The Benefits of Seeing Life As It Is

 Sir Adolphus William Ward, an eminent historian and man of letters, once wrote, "The pessimist complains about the wind, the optimist hopes that it will turn, the realist hoists the sails."

Which is a clever aphorism to illustrate the differences between pessimists, optimists and realists. As regular readers of this blog will know, I am a born optimist, and proud of it. Yet Ward's words have made me wonder whether I am sometimes ridiculously naive - whether all optimists are.

Because all the hope in the world will not help any particular situation. Change for the better will only happen when our hope is translated into a firm plan to do something about whatever is bothering us. So the fierce practicality of the realist is perhaps something I should cultivate more. I can see that there is little point in being optimistic about the future, unless we are prepared to buckle down and do our bit to make it so. All the optimism in the world won't change that world. Only concrete actions can do that.

Yet I also believe that realists (who can often be quite pessimistic in their outlook, because they see things as they are, and there is so much to grieve about in the world today) might also take a leaf out of the optimists' book. The leaf of hope, the belief that something can be done. The belief that the world can change if we work at it hard enough.

A combination of optimism (so that we believe in the possibility of a better future) and realism (so that we are prepared channel that hope into action) is perhaps the best course to adopt. 

Looking on the Bright Side

 Friedrich Löchner was a 19th century Lutheran minister, first in Germany, then in the US. He wrote many hymns and also this: "A year is long - and making every day an unrepentent celebration is the highest art of living."

I'm not sure what I think about this sentiment. As a natural optimist, I would embrace it - I journal about the things I am grateful for each night, for example. Yet I cannot help thinking that it is simply not possible. Every day is not a cause for "unrepentent celebration", not for me, not for anyone. Everyone has some trials, some sorrow in their lives. I guess that finding something to celebrate in each day is a worthy goal, and it is a better way to live than finding things to be gloomy about instead. I am far more of a Tigger than an Eeyore, and tend to look on the bright side of life. I have blogged about this here.

But still. Although I personally may be able to celebrate something good each day, I am well aware that for many people, this is not the case. I only have to read or listen to the news to see that all is far from well in the world. 

Perhaps it would be best for me (for all of us who have something to celebrate each day) to spend at least part of each day trying to make the lives of others less fortunate than ourselves better. And then celebrate that. 

Twixt Optimist and Pessimist

Leo Tolstoy once wrote, "Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them." And I have found this to be so true. I am an optimist, married to a pessimist (although he would call himself a realist...)

It reminded me of the old rhyme, "Twixt optimist and pessimist, the difference is droll: the optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole."

(Aside: don't those look fabulous? One of the many losses of being coeliac is that I can no longer eat doughnuts. Which is a pessimistic way of looking at things, because there are so many nice things I *can* still eat. Interesting!)

So it depends on your point of view. I honestly believe I am happier when I "lean into joy" as Brené Brown puts it. It is a more vulnerable way of living, because (perhaps) optimists are more prone to disappointment. But I would many times rather be disappointed sometimes than to expect the worst all the time.

Tolstoy has a more serious point to make. Because if we pin our happiness on outward things, we become dependent on those other things *for* our happiness. And if something external to ourselves, which we don't have any control over, goes wrong, it can ruin our whole day.

Whereas, if our outlook is determinedly positive, we might be able to find some grain of goodness, happiness, in most things. Like he said, it's all about "how we see them."

Let me give you an example. It so happens that I'm re-reading C.S. Lewis's The Chronicles of Narnia, and have just started Book 6, The Silver Chair. In which one of the main characters is that arch-pessimist, Puddleglum the Marsh-wiggle. Who says things like, "The bright side of it is, that if we break our necks getting down the cliff, then we're safe from being drowned in the river." Reading the children's conversations with him always makes me laugh.

But the realist side of his pessimism sometimes comes in useful, as his cautious approach to life saves Jill and Eustace from falling into scrapes, and keeps them grounded. For example, "Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things - trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one."

And they come to value his wisdom and bravery. As Jill says towards the end of the book, "You're a regular old humbug. You sound as doleful as a funeral and I believe you're perfectly happy. And you talk as if you were afraid of everything, when you're really as brave as - as a lion."

So I guess it does depend on your point of view - we optimists need pessimists to keep us grounded and the pessimists need optimists to cheer them up, or to walk compassionately alongside them. There is room for both kinds of people in the world and in truth, most of us are a mixture.

Rising Again

This week's quotation is by Rainer Maria Rilke: "Man muss nie verzweifeln, wenn einem etwas verloren geht, ein Mensch oder eine Freude oder ein Glück. Es kommt alles noch viel herrlicher wieder.

Which being translated, means, "One must never despair, when something is lost - a person or a joy or a happiness. Everything will become more beautiful again."

But it is very natural to despair when something is lost, particularly a person. I think that what Rilke is saying is, however black things may appear at certain times, don't give up, because eventually life will get better.

Which is fine and even comforting, if you're a natural optimist, like I am. But I know that certain friends of mine have a far more bleak outlook on life, and are more pessimistic about eventual outcomes.

I *wish* I could wave a magic wand, and make their pain go away. But I know that I can't.

I have learned that the only thing anyone can do, for someone who is depressed, is to be there with them, not trying to fix them, not trying to cheer them up, not trying to make the pain go away. Just being there, alongside them, so that they know they are not alone.



May we all be such friends, each to one another.