A Chain Begins with Two Links

 This week's quote reads, "I would now be ready for a chain of happy circumstances."

 

And I thought, o-kay... what does that mean? It is a statement of hope for a happy future, but surely there is more to it than that? Then it struck me: a chain begins with two links. If there is only one link, it is not a chain, it is a loop. Going nowhere. So perhaps in order to be happy, in order to experience "happy circumstances" we need to open our single loop and make connections with other people, get involved in the world around us. 

Which takes vulnerability, trust and courage. When we look around our world and see so much senseless hatred (witness the dreadful attack on the Heaton Park Synagogue in Manchester yesterday - my heart goes out to all the people involved, suffering for the idiocy of the Israeli government) our instinct can be to hunker down, draw up the drawbridge and hide. It takes courage to stand up and protest, to reach out with compassion. As my own faith community, the Unitarians, have done. Yesterday, when news of the attack began to spread, the following statement appeared on Facebook:

"We are shocked and saddened by today's attack at Heaton Park Synagogue in Manchester. We know that this will be felt deeply by Manchester's Jewish community, their families and their wider communities, particularly on the holy day of Yom Kippur.

We stand for peace and oppose violence in all its forms.

An attack on any place of worship is an attack on all who value freedom of faith and conscience. Places of worship should be sanctuaries; safe spaces for reflection, community and spiritual life. As Unitarians, we are committed to interfaith solidarity and to building communities where people of all faiths and none can live without fear. That commitment matters most in moments like this.

Rev Cody Coyne, minister of Cross Street Unitarian Chapel, Manchester City Centre, and President of the Manchester District Association, said: 'It can feel so much like hate is winning; but I think how each act is met with people running in to care for the victims, give solace to the bereaved, and in some cases placing their lives on the line for the sake of others. For each person committed to violence there is an overwhelming chorus calling us to act for peace and support.'"

This is how chains of connection are built - by standing up for what we know is right and refusing to allow hate to win. Every time we stand up for love and oppose mindless hate, a new link is forged.

Striving for Objectivity

It is very easy to fall into judgement when we read in the news of the words or actions of someone we do not agree with. It is much harder to appreciate that they, too, have their story. They, too, have come to believe what they do through the sum of their own life's experiences. 

So I was interested to read Peter Singer's words this morning. He wrote, "By accepting that moral judgements must be made from a universal standpoint, I accept that my own interests do not count more than anyone else's interests, simply because they are mine."

I believe that that kind of objectivity is something we should all strive for, even though it's so hard. It involves the practice of empathic compassion, the ability to put yourself in the other person's shoes without judgement in an attempt to understand where they are coming from. It means walking alongside them in the darkness and making the hard decision not to flip on the light, to interfere.

We live in a very adversarial world - if you're not for us, you're against us. And the go-to response when we don't agree with someone else seems to be violence, whether it is verbal, physical or psychological. I wonder how different things would be, if we (whether as individuals and governments and pressure groups) all took time out to try to see whatever the issue is from the other person's point of view?

You may think I'm wrong - that there are certain things which are always wrong - war, exploitation of the planet, violence towards other living beings. And I would have to say I agree. Yet I still believe that returning violence with violence, trying to bludgeon the other viewpoint into submission, does not - cannot - lead to peace and restoration in the long run. We need to find another way.

The Importance of Self-Love

When I read this week's quotation, by the 13th / 14th century German theologian and mystic, Meister Eckhart, I had a strong reaction to it. It reads, "All the love in this world is built on self-love."

No, I thought, surely the point of love is that it is self-less, concentrated on the other. Then I remembered something Brene Brown once wrote, in The Gifts of Imperfection. Part of her definition of love, gleaned from her extensive qualitative research, reads, "Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow; a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them - we can only love others as much as we love ourselves." (emphasis mine)

She admits how hard this is to hear, let alone put into practice, because most of us tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on the people we love. She says, "I know I can talk to myself in ways that I would never consider talking to another person. How many of us are quick to think, God, I'm so stupid and Man, I'm such an idiot?"

She opened the question on her blog in 2009 which, perhaps not surprisingly, sparked quite a fierce debate. And in her book, she shares one wise comment by Renae Cobb: "Certainly, the people we love inspire us to heights of love and compassion that we might never have achieved otherwise, but to really scale those heights, we often have to go to the depths of who we are, light/shadow, good/evil, loving/destructive, and figure out our own stuff in order to love them better. So I'm not sure it's an either/or but a both/and. We love others fiercely, maybe more than we think we love ourselves, but that fierce love should drive us to the depths of our selves so that we can learn to be compassionate with ourselves."

So maybe Meister Eckhart and Brene Brown are both right: self-compassion is a vital component of being able to love others well. Because when we are continually down on ourselves, even if only inside our heads, it will inevitably affect how well we are able to respond to, love, others. 

Compassion: A Complex Process

This week's quote, by American philosopher, Martha Nussbaum, sums up beautifully the complex process which is compassion. She writes, "In order to feel compassion, you have to have a fairly complex sequence of thoughts: that another being is suffering, that this suffering is bad, that it would be good if it were alleviated."

I have blogged many times about the importance of compassion here - if you go to the tags at the side of this post, you'll find links to those posts. Yet I believe it cannot be emphasised too often that compassion for others is the true basis for a civilised society. It is only when we care for others that we are able to transcend our own selfishness and begin to work together for the good of all.

Having compassion for another involves having a certain level of awareness of them, so that you are able to (at least partly) understand how they are feeling, and not judge them, but empathise with them. It involves deep listening, no blame, and a willingness to sit alongside someone else in their darkness and be with them. Without trying to fix whatever is wrong.

And it's closely connected to empathy, which Brené Brown defines like this (in Daring Greatly): "Empathy is a strange and powerful thing. There is no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It's simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of 'You're not alone'."

So yes, feeling compassion, having empathy for, another person is complex, is difficult, as Nussbaum says. It takes time and trouble and the ability to put someone else ahead of ourselves. Yet I believe it is the glue which holds people together, which enables us (together) to work towards making our world a better place.

A Huge Challenge

Mahatma Gandhi, the mid-20th century non-violent Indian nationalist and philosopher, who famously led the Indian nation out of the British Empire, once wrote, "To see the universal and all-pervading Spirit of truth face to face, one must be able to love the meanest of creation as oneself. And a man who aspires after that cannot afford to keep out of any field of life."

In other words, it's not good enough to stand at the sidelines of life and spout platitudes about goodness, mercy etc. It is necessary to engage with everything around us, on a deeply compassionate and empathic level, regardless of its / their station and circumstance. Gandhi was famous for engaging with people of the Dalit caste, those who were considered to be "untouchable" by members of higher castes.

But oh my goodness! It is a huge challenge. I am sitting here in my nice warm house, working on my laptop (because I can afford to use as much electricity as I need to) and generally living a life of privilege. I have written about my uneasiness about it before, and am only too aware that as a well-off, White, heterosexual woman, I have a head start on so many others, simply through accidents of birth, and good fortune.

Yet Gandhi is not talking only about having compassion and empathy for other human beings, vitally necessary though that is. He speaks of loving "the meanest of creation" as oneself. If we follow that to its logical end, we should all be vegans, climate change and social justice activists, and committed to non-violence, and to alleviating the circumstances of anyone worse off than ourselves.

And I fear that it too hard for most of us. It is too hard for me. Then I remember that I am in the privileged position of being able to choose whether or not to engage with this stuff. And feel guilty all over again. 

Yet I believe that the attempt to live in this way should at least be made, if we are to save this planet and the people and living creatures on it. If we are to fight for justice and equity for all living beings. Words are easy to say and write, but translating those words into concrete and effective actions is hard. Perhaps the least any of us should do is what we can, where we are. And be aware of what we are running away from facing, if we choose to turn our backs on making the effort, being our best selves.

Like I said, it's a huge challenge...

The Worry Gene

 The 16th century French bishop and Doctor of the Church, Francis de Sales, once wrote, "Face what comes your way, not with fear / anxiety, but with hope."

Which is good advice which I, as a natural optimist, find easy to follow. But in recent times, scientific research has revealed that many of us have a genetic disposition towards worry and anxiety. The medical website Healthline.com, suggests that the so-called "worry gene" is not a myth, but a reality. They report, "While it seems that a number of factors can put you at risk for developing anxiety disorders, research suggests that anxiety is hereditary, at least in part."

Of course, everyone feels anxious sometimes, but for those who suffer from full-blown anxiety, it can be debilitating, as they worry about various dark, amorphous futures. Healthline suggest that, "Most anxiety disorders are chronic, meaning they never truly disappear. However, there are lots of effective treatment options out there for anxiety disorders. Through therapy, lifestyle changes, and perhaps medication, you can learn to cope better so that you can manage your disorder."

They also suggest that sharing your anxiety with someone, whether that is a therapist or a friend or family member, can be beneficial. I know from my own limited experience with anxiety that it really does help to talk about it. So perhaps the best thing we optimists can do is to be willing to sit alongside our anxious friends, being ready to listen with the ears of our hearts, without judgement and without trying to fix whatever the problem is. In other words, by showing compassion.

As Buddhist nun, Pema Chödrön once wrote, "In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience - our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."

 

Enjoy Life!

 First century Roman philosopher and statesman, Seneca, urges us to "enjoy life! It flees at a rapid pace."

Which is something I have always striven to do. In fact, I have sometimes been accused of being naive, idealistic and teethgrindingly positive, by less optimistic friends. But I would far rather try to see the good in any situation, then to drown in the bad. I consciously try to live in the present moment, neither regretting the past, nor worrying about the future. Well, I try...!

You might say, "That's easy for you to say - you have never known real sorrow, genuine suffering and misery." And it's true, to a certain extent - my life has been incredibly blessed, on the whole. I have a loving husband, two wonderful grown up children, and some very dear friends.

Nevertheless, I am 62. I have not got to this point in my life without being acquainted with sorrow, suffering and misery. I have lost people who were dear to me. I have suffered physical pain. But I have also been blessed with a natural "glass half-full" temperament and have never suffered from either anxiety and depression. Both of which (I know, from sitting with friends who suffer from these) are debilitating and all-consuming.

So I also strive to be compassionate towards those who are suffering, who are miserable, who are anxious, who cannot see the end of the tunnel. Karen Armstrong writes that true compassion is about dethroning the ego and genuinely trying to put ourselves in the other person's place, meeting them where they are, without trying to "make it all better". It's about deep listening, without our own agenda. And it's about doing whatever we can. 

And not being offensively bouncy and upbeat, trying to "cheer people up." Not being Tigger to their Eeyore. Because when someone is suffering, miserable, grieving, ill, the last thing they want is to be slapped on the back and told that it will all be over soon, and to get over it. That is an incredibly unhelpful, offensive (if wellmeaning) way to behave.

(image: Disney, nsc blog)

And so I try to remember Pema Chodron's words, which Brene Brown often quotes, "Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It is a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well enough can we be present with the darkness of others." Without trying to flip on the light, make it all better.

The Mystery that is Humankind

 The 18th century German philosopher, Immanuel Kant, once wrote, "The depths of the human heart are unfathomable."

And that is so true. However well we know someone (or believe we know someone), we cannot *know* for certain what is in their mind, let alone in their heart. 

In the coursebook for the Great Course, Writing Great Fiction, Storytelling Tips and Techniques, Professor James Hynes comments that real people are much more complex than the most complicated fictional character. Because authors can choose to take us inside the heads of their characters. Which is not an option for real people. He writes, "We know the people in our lives by what they look like, what they say, what they do, and what other people tell us about them... Consider the fleeting and digressive nature of your own inner life. Then, consider how impossible it would be to express that inner life to another person. Remember, too, that every other person in the world is experiencing the same kind of inner life, all the time. You quickly realize that each of us is alone in the universe inside our heads, surrounded by many other universes with which we can communicate only indirectly."

"Each of us is alone in the universe inside our heads." That is quite a sobering thought. Aside from the few people who have the power of telepathy, it is not possible for the vast majority of us to know what another person is thinking, let alone what they are feeling.

But, by using our powers of empathy and compassion, by truly listening to the other person, by observing their body language (that great non-verbal aspect of communication), we can make an educated guess. It is up to us to do this hard work, to not judge others purely by "what they look like, what they say, what they do, and what other people tell us about them." Because this will inevitably be a superficial judgement. It is only when we listen to others with compassion in our hearts, that we might begin to fathom the mystery that is at the heart of every other person in the world.

Fleeing from the Past

 The twentieth century poet and playwright T.S. Eliot wrote, "Those who flee from their past always lose the race."

Hmm. I think it depends on the reason for the flight. For example, if someone flees from an abusive relationship, they are winning the race to start a new and better life. 

But maybe he is talking about our natural reluctance to confront our shadows - those inner parts of us which were formed earlier in our lives and which we hide away deep inside us and hide away from dealing with. I've written about this before: "When we ignore the shadows in our lives, we are not living authentically. Because all of us have shadows - the things in our lives we do not want to face up to, the parts of our personality we are in denial about. Dealing with these aspects of our lives is called shadow work, and I have blogged about it here. I do believe that it is only when we go deep that we can understand ourselves fully. Doing this necessary shadow work can be very painful, but it is necessary, if we are to grow into our best selves, our whole selves. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows or walking through beautiful woodland. It is by learning from the shadows, from the sad or painful things that have happened to us, that we grow."

I can remember when I first signed up for spiritual direction and my director asked me about my childhood. I responded by telling her it had been idyllically happy, which she immediately queried. And made me look inside myself for the first time and remember some things I had shoved down so far I had forgotten they were there. Which was the beginning of my own race towards living an authentic life, with all of me, shadows and all.

But I do believe we have to be well-supported on this journey. If we try to confront our demons on our own, we may end up losing the race anyway, through depression or despair. Loving and empathic support is needed to do this work. Each of us needs a friend or mentor who will hold us lovingly as we deal with the past of our lives. Someone who will listen without judging, someone who loves us unconditionally, warts and all. 

May we all have the capacity to be such friends, each to one another.

The Spirit of Liberty

 Each year, I buy a set of 53 postcards from Harenberg Kalender, which comprise a lovely image and an inspirational quote for each week of the year. And, although they couldn't have known it, this week's quotation, by the Renaissance author and philosopher Niccolo Machiavelli,  is most applicable: "The spirit of liberty no violence subdues, no time erases, no gift makes up for."

I am sure that you, like me, have been horrified by the Russian invasion of the Ukraine, by the violence which is going on there. My Facebook feed has been filled by reactions to this unjustified invasion of a democratic country. 

It is, perhaps, difficult to imagine what we can do in the face of such armed aggression. We have made a donation to the Red Cross appeal and this weekend I will be going through my wardrobe to sort out some clothing to take to a local collection point.

And, although "no gift makes up for" the loss of liberty, it might help those Ukrainians who have been forced to flee from the violence. 

The point is, we can all make a difference, however small, where we are. I came across a beautiful poem by the American poet, John Roedel, which both embraced his feelings of despair about this terrible war, but also shared some hope. He wrote, "I can't force peace on the world, but I can become a force of peace in the world, because sometimes all it takes is a single lit candle in the darkness to start a movement."

He suggests that "the only thing [we] can do is love the next person [we] encounter without any conditions or strings, to love our neighbor so fearlessly that it starts a ripple that stretches from one horizon to the next."

We may not, as individuals, be able to do much about the situation in Ukraine (although we can of course write to our MPs to ask that Ukrainian refugees will be made welcome here, make donations, take part in vigils and pray for peace, to give just four examples). But I do believe that we can all make a difference to the world in which we live by following Roedel's advice and loving the next person we encounter "without conditions or strings."

Because the power of unconditional love is enormous. If each one of us genuinely tried to love our neighbour, which means each person we meet, and to treat each one with the utmost equity and respect, to see each and every one of them as "unique, precious, a child of God", I believe it will make a positive difference, where we are. And who know where the ripples might end?

The Straight Path

 French novelist Andre Gide once wrote, "A straight path only ever leads to the goal." And I guess that could be true. Sometimes.

But, oh my! How boring life would be if we lived in straight lines. For the first nearly fifty years of my life, I was one of those people who worked tirelessly towards a goal and did not allow myself to deviate from it. And it led to all kinds of bad things - stress, and measuring my self-worth against whether I had managed to achieve the present goal (and, if I'm honest) whether other people noticed all my hard work and praised me. The praise of others was vitally important to my sense of self.

Then I was introduced to the Enneagram, back in 2010 and discovered that I was a Three, an Achiever. As I wrote in Gems for the Journey: 

"During the session, it became very clear that I was an almost archetypal 3, much though I hated to admit it. 3s are driven by their desire to succeed, so that others will approve of them. They believe that effort is all, and that people are rewarded for what they do. [I learned early on] that love and approval have to be earned, rather than being free, unmerited gifts. Understandably, with this mind-set, I have always striven to be the best Sue Woolley I can be, and have always been a hard worker, with lots of energy. 

    On the plus side, this has made me someone who is enthusiastic, good at leading others, very competent, with great organisational skills. I can inspire others to work and have good attention to detail. On the down side, I used to believe that I have to keep driving myself to achieve, because unless I can show others how well I'm doing, and can bask in their approval, I can't be happy. I will do almost anything to garner praise and approval. It has also made me intolerant of people who are disorganised, inefficient, unpunctual or indecisive."

Those words were written in 2015, when I was still wrestling with the down sides of my Threeness. Discovering that true friends like me "just the way I am" and that it is who I am, rather than what I do, that matters has been a meandering path, rather than a straight one. I have backslid often. But I can truly say that today, I am much happier in myself, with myself, and with others.

And that is because the spiritual path of the last decade, far from being a straight one that "only ever leads to the goal", had taken me in all sorts of unexpected directions, which have enriched my life no end. I think (I hope!) I have become more laid-back, more tolerant of the different ways of others, more willing to meet others where they are in a spirit of compassion, less achievement focussed. I have learned, in the words of the Quakers, to be "open to new light, from whatever source it may come." And I have finally understood that God loves me anyway, and that nothing I can do will destroy that love.

And that is so precious. I wish everyone a Happy, Peaceful and Meandering New Year.

Two Ways of Seeing

 One of the proverbs of Solomon, in the Hebrew Bible, reads, "In the mirror of the water, you can see your face, and in the mirror of your thoughts, you can see yourself."

There are two ways of seeing - the literal way, with our eyes, the the spiritual way, with our hearts. I think these words are inviting us to see beyond the obvious - to use our deeper senses to look past the surface of our lives and perceive the deeper truths. 

This is neither an easy nor a comfortable process. It can be very tempting to skate along the surface of our lives and persuade ourselves that we are okay. It takes discipline and courage to delve deeper, to catch sight of the shadows lurking in our hearts and minds, acting on us without our conscious knowledge. 

I'm no psychologist, but I am only too aware that when someone does something that presses my buttons, I need to look inside myself to understand why, before lashing out blindly in reaction. Each one of us is unique and what bothers me, may not worry you at all, but you may get wound up by something that I am happy to let pass unremarked.

So I think that this proverb is a warning to think before we act, and to definitely take the time to think before we re-act to what is happening in our world. Because we are all at the centre of our own stories, and see things from our own unique viewpoint. It takes courage and compassion to make the effort to walk in another's shoes, and to see things from their viewpoint. Which may be very different from ours.

Two Souls in One Body

This week's quotation is by Aristotle: "Freundschaft ist eine Seele in zwei Körpern". Which being translated, means: "Friendship is two souls in one body." And I have been truly blessed in my friends.

What are the qualities of a good friend? I believe that they include compassion, love, kindness and loyalty.

So what might compassion look like in the context of friendship? It means trying to put yourself into your friend's shoes, to really understand how they are feeling, so that you can respond appropriately to their joys and concerns. It doesn't mean feeling sorry for them, or trying to "make it all better". It means truly being there for them when they need you, whether it is to celebrate or commiserate.

Love in friendship is the same as it is in any other relationship. Love is an amazing thing. I very much like science fiction author Raymond Feist’s definition: “Love is a recognition, an opportunity to say ‘There is something about you I cherish.’ It doesn’t entail marriage, or even physical love. There’s love of parents (to which I would add love of family), love of city or nation, love of life, and love of people. All different, all love.”

And love is fundamental to human well-being. I am sure we can all remember those sad, sad photos of those little children in Romanian orphanages, left in their cots 24/7, with no attention paid to them, who had withdrawn into themselves, totally unable to relate to anyone else, because they had been starved of love and attention. And it is well known that in bringing up children, even “bad attention” is better than being ignored.

I would go so far as to say that we can only become fully rounded people if we love and are loved in return. Jesus recognised this when he described “Love your neighbour as yourself” as one of the two greatest commandments.

Building loving relationships with all the people we come into contact with may sound an unrealistic proposition, but stick with it; the rewards are beyond compare. Starting from where you are is the important thing, and building up slowly. Resolving to live your life in a spirit of love means recognising that there is “that of God in everyone”, to use a Quakerly phrase. 

Kindness in friendships is closely related to compassion. It means responding to the best in another person, and forgiving the worst. It means making a positive difference to their lives, by small acts of kindness - remembering to send a birthday card, giving them a ring "just because", listening with the ear of your heart, and knowing them well enough to tiptoe round their tender spots and rejoice with them when they are happy.

And kindness need not be limited to friends. Let me tell you a true story, about the effect of a random act of kindness: It is amazing how little it takes to make a difference to the feel and shape of someone's day. A while ago I went to visit a friend in hospital, and, as is customary (or so I thought) I took her a bunch of flowers. Only to learn that flowers on wards are now strictly forbidden because of "water contamination". So I had to take them away again. But at least my friend realised that I had been thinking of her.

My original thought had been to stick them back on the back seat of my car, and take them back home with me. But then, at the main entrance to the hospital, I walked past two women (I guess mother and grown-up daughter) who were obviously waiting for a taxi or something. On impulse, I presented the older lady with the flowers. And her whole face lit up: "It's my birthday on Monday!" she said. So I wished her a happy birthday and went on my way.

I love the words of Frederick Buechner about how we act towards strangers can have a real knock-on effect. he writes: "As we move around this world and as we act with kindness, perhaps, or with indifference or with hostility towards the people we meet, we are setting the great spider web atremble. The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops, or in what far place my touch will be felt."

It is lovely to think that perhaps my gift of flowers to that woman might have that sort of impact on her day, and hence on those around her. It also made my day - her happiness made me feel good! It is amazing how little it takes to make a difference - to my life, and to that of others.

Loyalty in friendships is such an important thing. The sticking point of any friendship will come when your friend does or says something you cannot be happy about. If your friendship is true, you may be disappointed in them, but will still try to understand where they are coming from, and stand by them. A friend who deserts their friend at a time when things go wrong is a weak and feeble friend at best. The loyalty of one true friend can make an enormous difference to how one copes in a crisis. If just one person stands by you through thick and thin, it can make life bearable. To take an example from the Harry Potter books, Harry is gutted when his best friend Ron turns against him in The Goblet of Fire, because he (Ron) believes that Harry put his name into the goblet and didn't share how to do this. It is only because his other best friend, Hermione, stands by him, that he gets through the next difficult weeks.

Compassion, love, kindness and loyalty... that is what friendship means to me.

The core of life

What is the core of life?

This week's quotation is by Oscar Wilde. Unfortunately, I have been unable to find an English version of it, to compare with the translation. And my German is not wonderful. And I'm not sure I agree with the Google translator. So I offer you two versions of this German phrase: "Im Wachstum liegt des Denkens und des Lebens Kern."

Which Google thinks, means, "Growth is the thinking and the life of the core."
I think it may mean. "In growth lies the core of thought and life."

Either way, I think it's saying that without thinking deeply and living wholeheartedly, we will not grow as people. It is so easy to skate along the surface of our lives, not going deep, being involved purely with exterior matters. But going deep hurts. It means facing those parts of ourselves which we have hidden for years, maybe decades, and coming to terms with what we find there. It is the only way to grow, spiritually.

And it's about letting go of the need for the approval, the approbation of others. When we go deep, when we live from the core of our lives, we will find the courage to stand up for what we believe, rather than going along with what others believe, for the sake of fitting in. And living from our core also means letting go of comparing ourselves with others, because we, just as we are, are enough.

It's also about compassion, about walking a mile in the other person's shoes, realising that they, too, have a unique, precious life at their core. Deep may talk to deep, seeing past the shallow façades we present to the world. Allowing our vulnerabilities to show, because that is the truest way to live. Living from our hearts, not our heads.

Karen Armstrong writes, in The Spiral Staircase, "The one and only test of a valid religious idea, doctrinal statement, spiritual experience, or devotional practice was that it must lead directly to practical compassion. If your understanding of the divine made you kinder, more empathetic, and impelled you to express this sympathy in concrete acts of loving-kindness, this was good theology. But if your notion of God made you unkind, belligerent, cruel, or self-righteous, or if it led you to kill in God's name, it was bad theology."

Compassion enables us to grow spiritually, to live our lives from our cores.

The Larger View

The title of this post is taken from a hymn in the Unitarian hymnbook, Hymns for Living. The words are by John Andrew Storey, one of our best modern hymn writers, and they urge us to listen to, be open to, the wisdom of other faiths.

This week's quote has a similar message, I believe. The words of Richard Wagner "Der Blick über die Welt hinaus ist der einzige, der die Welt versteht." Which may be translated "The view beyond the world is the only one who understands the world."

Only the Divine can see the whole picture - we as imperfect mortals can only have a partial view. But, we can at least try to see, to understand, the point of view of the other, rather than becoming entrenched behind our own viewpoints, which can easily turn into prejudice, fear, distrust, and even hatred.

And this applies not only to people of other countries, other faiths, but also to our neighbours, the members of our local community. Whose views may often be very different from our own. Who are we to say that their views are invalid, wrong? Who are we to say that we have the only correct view?

I guess I'm saying that we ought to at least try to listen to the views of other people, before instantly leaping to judgement. Because if we had their life experiences, our views also might be different.

Or perhaps to realise that even people whose views are different from our own are still "unique, precious, children of God", as the Quakers have it.

I'm not saying that we should not stand up for our own beliefs, our own principles, nor that we should not defend the right of others to live in freedom and peace. Of course we should. But I also believe that at least attempting to understand the other point of view is better than instant condemnation.

Don't Judge a Book by its Cover

This week's post is about with-holding judgement. And it applies as much to self-judgement as to judging others. The quotation, by Jeanne Moreau, says: "It's not the facade that matters, but the treasures inside."

There are some words by St Francis de Sales, which I love: "When it comes to being gentle, start with yourself. Don't get upset with your imperfections ... It's a great mistake - because it leads nowhere - to get angry because you are angry, upset at being upset, disappointed because you are disappointed ... You cannot correct a mistake by repeating it."

"You cannot correct a mistake by repeating it." Oh. How often do we pile anger on top of anger, upset on top of upset, and disappointment on top of disappointment, rather than trying to gently, rationally explore how not to repeat our mistakes? I know I do ...

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus bids us to be wary of judging others if our own copybook is less than spotless: "Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgement you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbour's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbour 'Let me take the speck out of your eye' while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbour's eye."

It is only too easy for us to judge others without really knowing them. To judge them by how they look, what they say, how they act. Without knowing what is in their hearts, what their motivations are, what their life experience has been, which has led them to this point in their lives.

Let us try to look beyond the outward facade, and see the treasures within.

Building A Beloved Community

At the Midland Unitarian Association's Spring Training Day last Saturday, Rev Ant Howe led an inspirational session about how to build good relationships with the wider community. He asked some searching questions, which every Unitarian (or any other) congregation needs to answer.

The first one was: "Who are we here for?" and he answered it by saying that the purpose of any religious community is not just to serve its members, but also the wider community in which it is situated. He suggested that the purpose of a religious community is to bless the community in which it lives, by the things it offers. It's about building small links with the people beyond our doors. He acknowledged that this can be difficult, if you only have small numbers, and everyone is tired. But also that it can get exciting, if the congregation does something new for "others".

Many of the suggestions were ones which most congregations (or at least those who have their own building) could offer:

• a collection for the homeless, or for refugees - opening the church / meeting house to collect clothes and sleeping bags. Offering refreshments and leaflets about Unitarianism.
• collecting for the local food bank - similar principles.
• an annual collection of Easter Eggs (and I would also suggest, selection boxes at Christmas) for local children, and distributing them to the local hospital and children's homes.
• a weekly coffee morning, for people who might otherwise not get out, and speak to others.
• a monthly knit and natter group.

The key is to look around, identify local needs which aren't being met, and then ask the question: "Can our congregation meet them?" 

The point being, that if you meet a need, you're giving worth and dignity to people, and you become known as a loving community. He said: "A church exists for the benefit of its non-members, to be the salt of the earth, not to impress the salt."

He then divided us up into small groups, and set us to answering the following questions:

• What does your congregation currently do to minister with the wider community?
• How are the values of your congregation lived out in practical ways which benefit the community?
• Is your congregation a part of its local community, or quite separate from it?
• What ways would you like to get your congregation more involved in the wider community?

And most importantly ...

• What projects are you interested in?
• What is the first step?
• How are you going to do it?
• When are you going to do it by?

By the end of the session, all those present had decided on one project they'd like to try, and planned the first step towards executing it.

I wonder what a different world it would be, if all religious communities did the same?

Coming Together in Peace

When something dreadful, like the Manchester Arena bombing this week, happens, we have a choice about how we are going to respond. It's quite a simple choice, really, and it's made a quite a deep, often sub-conscious level. We can choose to respond with fear or hatred, or we can choose to respond with love.

Many followers of this blog will know that I am currently undertaking a survey of Unitarian beliefs and spirituality, which I will be writing up over the summer. Two of the questions are:

"What do you believe about the nature of evil?" and "What does the concept of sin mean to you?"

I believe that in the violent world in which we live, it is vital to think these things through, so that we can respond appropriately, when incidents like the Manchester bombing happen.

So let's think about the nature of evil. My own belief is that nobody is born evil. Who could believe that an innocent babe, fresh from the womb, is evil? Nevertheless, through a combination of factors, such as upbringing, poor environment, bad nutrition, mental instability, addiction, brain-washing, people are driven to do acts which we judge to be evil. Almost all my respondents so far are very clear that *no-one* is evil in the beginning, but that the capacity to do evil is within every human being, and must be kept in check, by each and every one of us. Evil comes from an absence of compassion, an inability to feel with the other. It is about the deliberate choice to do the wrong thing, not the right one. Which many people would define as sin.

But people are not evil. Only the acts they do are evil. It is important to hold on to that distinction. I have to wonder what lies the Manchester suicide bomber was told, that he would believe that blowing himself and other people up was the next right thing to do. I feel for his family, who are surely grieving for a beloved son, a beloved brother.

For me, the lies that the suicide bomber was surely told are the real sin, the real evil. Sin is a falling short of the standards we know are right, that we should be aspiring to. Many of my respondents defined the concept of sin as this falling short, as making the wrong choice, as separation from God, from good. Again, they were very clear that this is a learned thing - every respondent so far was totally against the idea of 'original sin' - that human beings are born flawed.

And we need to hold on to the other side of things too - the outpouring of love and compassion and support that we have seen in the last few days. On the night of the bombing, Twitter was filled with offers of support - of a room for the night, of food, drink, safe transport home, anything that people could think of. The emergency services did their usual splendid job, and taxi drivers of all religions and none turned off their meters, and showed up at Manchester Arena to offer a free ride home to anyone who needed it. Local hospitals have been flooded with offers to give blood.

The British Red Cross, in conjunction with the Manchester authorities, has now set up a 'We Love Manchester Emergency Fund', and money has been pouring in to support the families and friends of the victims. Because once this horrific story fades out of the news, which it surely will, these people are still going to be bereaved, still going to have to live with the consequences of that young man's evil deed. In less than a week, over £5.6 million pounds has been raised. My own small congregation at Banbury gave £50 yesterday. Every penny will be needed.

Tolkien, as ever, has it right. In The Fellowship of the Ring, Frodo comments "I wish it need not have happened in my time" To which Gandalf responds: "So do I, and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." May we decide well, and respond with love.

A Plea for Peace and Compassion

There are certain things I believe, and believe passionately, that some, with their different views of the world, do not believe. And it is hard for me to see these cherished beliefs trampled into the dust by their insistence that their reality is the only true one.

I believe that peace is to be worked for, and witnessed for, and struggled for, and that war and violence and automatic retaliation should only be the very, very last resorts, not the automatic go-to solution. I believe that the governments of the Great Powers, mainly in the West, but also in Russia and China and Saudi Arabia, are so invested in the arms trade, and in violence and intolerance and hatred of the Other (whoever the Other might be) that there is little hope for peace.

Which makes the need to witness for the possibilities that peace and compassion bring ever more urgent, day by day.

I believe that Western privilege and widespread Western, white, male, Christian blindness *to* that privilege, are facts. We simply cannot appreciate what it is like to be persecuted or picked on daily, simply on account of our religious beliefs, the colour of our skin, our sexual orientation, or our disabilities. The only one I have some insight into, being a woman, is male privilege. And even that is denied by many, in 21st century Britain.

I believe that only when we make the empathic attempt to show compassion, by learning from what others say and write about how it feels to be Muslim, or black, or gay, or transgender, or in any other way Not Like Us, that we have any hope of moving past that bastion of privilege and meeting people where they are. As human beings, each a child of God, each with the same divine spark within, each with the same potential for good or evil.

While my Facebook feed turns red, white, and blue as friends rightly react with shock and sorrow to the killings in Paris, similar events in Beirut a few days ago barely made the inside pages of the broadsheets. And the Syrian refugees, who are fleeing from the violence of these same terrorists, are suffering misery and hunger, illness and hopelessness day by day in their over-crowded, insanitary camps, where Death and disease stalk hand-in-hand.

And I want to say that if you really care about people, give some money or some warm clothing to the organisations trying to stem that tide of human suffering. It is by such small acts of kindness towards our fellow human beings, that the world will turn, and times will change.

The Greatest Remembrance of All

Part of a prayer by Unitarian minister Rev. Chris Goacher reads: "We gather in remembrance of those who have sacrificed their lives for the freedom and safety of others, but also in shame at the wars we have failed to stop and the actions taken in our name ... Let us dedicate our selves to the greatest remembrance of all - that war should be no more."

These few words really sum up my feelings on Remembrance Sunday - that we should be grateful to, and remember with respect, those who sacrificed their lives that we might have peace; but also in sad reflection on the indifferent use we have made of it. it is a desperate irony that World War One was called 'The War To End All Wars', and yet, one hundred years on, humankind still seems unable to stop the fighting, the bloodshed, the cruelty, and wars continue to be fought the world over, for reasons of fear, and misunderstanding, the hunger for power, and the despising of the other.

So how can we dedicate ourselves to that "greatest remembrance of all - that war should be no more?" How can we, as individuals, and as spiritual and religious communities, witness for peace? How can we 'do our bit'? How can we make a difference?

I think we have to start where we are. It's all about compassion - trying to empathise with other people by imagining ourselves in their shoes. I am not naive enough to believe that we can "make it all better" by witnessing for peace and compassion. But we can at least try to be compassionate, where we are. For every other person we encounter is also a human being, a child of God, utterly worthy of being treated with justice, equity and respect.

Perhaps we can each make a resolution to reach out in friendship to our neighbours, to our friends, and even to casually-met strangers. Perhaps if we witness for peace in our own lives, this might have a knock-on effect, as the people we show compassion to, show compassion to others in their turn and so on.Who knows what we might be able to achieve, if we are brave enough to reach out in friendship, reach out in compassion, witness for peace?