Our Favourite Song

 This week's quote reads, "Life is not a wish concert, but sometimes it plays your favourite song."

Which I suppose means that sometimes, our heart's desire will happen... the part about playing your favourite song reminded me of being a teenager, when Radio 1 would be playing on the bus on the way to school and back again, and the joy of hearing my current favourite single - whether that was by T. Rex, David Bowie, Status Quo or Queen, to name but a few - during the short journey, rather than other tracks I disliked. Because of course in those days, before mobile phones and apps such as Spotify, we were very much at the mercy of what the radio DJs chose to play. (I'm so old that this was even before the invention of Sony Walkmans [Walkmen??] - it was the radio or nothing).The worst case scenario was a journey filled with music I disliked, the best case scenario was the opposite. But it was out of my control. 

Taken less literally, I guess it is talking about moments of grace, when something marvellous happens when we are least expecting it. Perhaps we are walking under a cloud-covered sky, and the sun comes out, and the world is transformed. Or we open our e-mails, and there is good news about the health of a loved one. Or our book is accepted for publication... there are so many small joys to be savoured and appreciated, so many "favourite songs" which are waiting for us to wake up and listen to them.

Sometimes, it is more about finding the silver lining (to coin a cliché) in an unpleasant situation... which happened to me as recently as yesterday. I was on my way back home from the Nightingale Centre in the Peak District, after a rich and nourishing Ministerial Fellowship Conference, when the front right tyre on my car blew out at speed on the M1. Luckily I managed to get to the hard shoulder safely and, double-luckily, we are members of a breakdown service, so all I needed to do was ring them up and wait to be recovered. The downside was, it took two solid hours from the moment I rang them to the moment the breakdown truck arrived. I moved to the passenger side of the car, because passing lorries were coming alarmingly close to my car and making it rock and sway. I was not a happy bunny!

Silver linings: while I was waiting, the call-centre guy from Autohome rang me twice to check I was still okay and safe, and an officer of the Highways Agency also stopped to check the same. I really appreciated their kindness and care. And (crucially) I had my Kindle with me, and an interesting book to read.... But I was very glad to get home (especially as I had decided to skip lunch to get home an hour earlier!).

Spreading Kindness

 This week's quote is a compliment: "Happy looks good on you."

Which reminded me how little it takes to change the shape of someone else's day - pay them a compliment, however small. I read about the impact that this can have, somewhere or other, years ago, and will sometimes wander past a tired or fed-up looking person in the supermarket and say something like "Love your dress / t-shirt / whatever." And, Every Single Time, it makes them smile, however briefly.

Some of you may have seen adverts for the Live 2 Live hoodies and t-shirts on Facebook, which have a slogan on the back, which reads, "Dear person behind me, the world is a better place with you in it. Love, the person in front of you."  On their website, they explain, "At Live 2 Live we're more than just a clothing brand - we're a movement dedicated to making a difference in the lives of those who need it most. Born from a deep commitment to mental health awareness, our mission is to create apparel that saves lives.... We believe that even the smallest gestures, like a comforting hoodie, can make a big impact.... together, let's spread the message that everyone deserves a reason to live."

And no, I'm not getting any money for flagging this up. I just think it is a brilliant idea, so I've bought one, and am looking forward to the weather being cool enough to wear it!

In a world where everyone seems to be scoring points off everyone else, I'd love to be part of a movement to make a positive difference in people's lives, by spreading a little kindness through small words or deeds, making people feel better about themselves, rather than putting them down to make myself look good. It doesn't cost anything, and it could make a heap of difference to someone we encounter.

A Ray of Sunshine

 The 19th / 20th century Austrian novelist, Hugo von Hoffmansthal, once wrote, "A ray of sunshine can make a new person of me."

As soon as I read those words, I thought, "yes!". Because the appearance of the sun always cheers me up. Particularly if it is a blue sky and sunshine morning after several grey days, when I know the sun has been up there somewhere, but masked by a solid cloud field. On such days, I cannot wait to get out into it, to take an early morning walk and admire the beauty of the natural world, lit by the early morning sun.

I particularly enjoy getting up at 6 at this time of year, when I am up before the sun shows her face, and am able to watch the beauty of the changing colours of the sunrise from my bedroom window. And, if I am upstairs in the late afternoon, I can also witness some glorious sunsets from the other window.

But I believe that this quote can also refer not only to actual sunshine, but also to metaphorical sunshine. If we are feeling fed up or sad or angry or cynical or despairing, a walk in the sunshine can help to lift our mood. But so too can a kind word from a friend, hearing or seeing something that tickles our funny bone, receiving some good news, or the presence of a carefree child . For example, I will never forget squeezing through the crowds in Tesco one pre-Christmas weekday nine years ago, feeling fed up and grumpy, and having my day transformed by the wonder of a small child. I blogged about it here. That small child's wonder at the beauty of the Christms decorations in the store lifted my mood completely. They were a true ray of sunshine.

We can be rays of sunshine to others, sometimes without knowing it. It is always a thrill for me to receive an e-mail from another Unitarian, who has listened to my [online] service and been moved by it in some way. (This doesn't happen very often, so I always appreciate it). 

And I have found that other people can be rays of sunshine to me as a writer. If I share a piece of writing for critiquing, it is always good to hear other people's insights about it, and their suggestions on how to improve it. They can be illuminating. My son was my first reader for my fantasy trilogy (which I've so nearly finished now) and his comments were always devastatingly honest and insightful. And helped me to improve the MS no end. My three Beta readers have likewise helped me to make it better. It can sometimes be hard to hear critiques of our own writing, but I have learned that when they are made in a spirit of helpfulness rather than nastiness, they are always worth listening to, and should generally be acted on.

So let us try to be rays of sunshine to each other, and also try to appreciate the rays of sunshine which come our way, in whatever form.

Be Gentle

 I have written about being kind and gentle often in this blog, but I feel the need to revisit this topic, after the defeat of the England football team in the UEFA Cup on Sunday evening. Even the least football-conscious among us must have caught a sense of the high hopes riding on that game. A lot of people will be feeling bitterly disappointed, because the team didn't win.

(Max Pixel)

Two of the fruits of the Spirit mentioned in Paul's Letter to the Galatians are kindness and gentleness. But when people are bitterly disappointed, it is often the automatic reaction to lash out at anyone they may feel is to blame. Sadly, as I expected, our social media feeds and newspapers the last couple of days have been filled with quick and judgemental (not to mention downright racist) reactions. The England team, who have been the media's darlings over the last few weeks, are now their scapegoats.

So fickle. So very, very unfair. 

But there have been messages of support and kindness too, which is good.

I love the reminder given by the anonymous poet, "Be gentle with one another... /  Who of us can look inside another and know / What there is of hope and hurt, or promise and pain? / Who can know from what far places each has come / Or to what far places each may hope to go."

We can't... but it is so very easy to judge others by what we see and hear and read on the surface. The poet further tells us to "Handle with exceeding, tender care, for there are / Human beings, there within / Human beings, vulnerable as we are vulnerable / Who feel as we feel, / Who hurt as we hurt."

Earlier on Sunday, I watched the Wimbledon Men's Singles Final, between previous winner, the Serbian player, Novak Djokovic, and the young Italian player, Matteo Berrettini. And it became very clear, early on in the match, that the Centre Court crowd were rooting for Berrettini. There was chanting, "Matt-e-o, Matt-e-o" and each time the young Italian won a point, the applause was rapturous.

Which was okay. But it was not okay that they applauded when Djokovic made an error. I wasn't surprise to notice that it began to get to Djokovic. It must be so hard to play your best, knowing that the audience is rooting for the other guy. Even though off court, the two men are friends and often play together. 

The Wimbledon crowd had evidently not heard the words I just quoted, about the vulnerability of each human being. They were partisan and didn't care who knew it. And it did feel unkind, not gentle or considerate at all.

Why do we do this to each other? What can't we all just get along? Each of us is a sentient human being, with the power of choice. And our choices have the power to dictate how we react to other human beings, to incidents in our lives and in the lives of others.

So let us be gentle with one another in the coming days and weeks. May we remember that each person we meet is a vulnerable human being, each with their own preoccupations, hopes, dreams and fears, and try to respond with kindness and gentleness in every encounter that we have with others.

The Kindness of Strangers

Maz and I are just back from a wonderful ten day holiday in the German cities of Dresden and Leipzig - each very different to the other, but both fascinating.

And I have been struck by the great kindness of strangers on two occasions during our holiday. The first was last Monday. We had been using an elderly travel guide to Leipzig, which told us that the German National Library, and more specifically, the German Book and Writing Museum, was open on that day.

When we got there, it was closed. There were two people on duty at the desk (they were having some building work done, I think) and when my face fell at the news, they told us to go to the main Library and ask at the Information desk. This we did, and a wonderfully kind Librarian listened to my halting German, and said she thought it might be possible.

One phone call later, and we were given exclusive access to the Museum's permanent exhibition, which we had all to ourselves. They needn't have done it - it was quite clear that it was closed on a Monday. But she was kind, and let us in. And it was fantastic - a real highlight of the holiday. Highlights included a Gutenberg Bible and a Kelmscott Chaucer. I went back afterwards to thank her, and another librarian was on duty. But I *think* I managed to convey our gratitude. I hope so.

The second incident occurred at Heathrow Airport, when we were waiting for the minibus to take us back to our long-stay car park. When it arrived, Maz leapt forward to wave it down, and left his camera bag with all its cameras and lenses, plus his laptop lying on the ground. I hadn't noticed. But a kind gent who'd just got off picked it up and asked me, "Is this yours? I thought you were coming back for it."

Again, he needn't have done it. But he did.

So I am very, very grateful for the kindness of strangers.

Two Souls in One Body

This week's quotation is by Aristotle: "Freundschaft ist eine Seele in zwei Körpern". Which being translated, means: "Friendship is two souls in one body." And I have been truly blessed in my friends.

What are the qualities of a good friend? I believe that they include compassion, love, kindness and loyalty.

So what might compassion look like in the context of friendship? It means trying to put yourself into your friend's shoes, to really understand how they are feeling, so that you can respond appropriately to their joys and concerns. It doesn't mean feeling sorry for them, or trying to "make it all better". It means truly being there for them when they need you, whether it is to celebrate or commiserate.

Love in friendship is the same as it is in any other relationship. Love is an amazing thing. I very much like science fiction author Raymond Feist’s definition: “Love is a recognition, an opportunity to say ‘There is something about you I cherish.’ It doesn’t entail marriage, or even physical love. There’s love of parents (to which I would add love of family), love of city or nation, love of life, and love of people. All different, all love.”

And love is fundamental to human well-being. I am sure we can all remember those sad, sad photos of those little children in Romanian orphanages, left in their cots 24/7, with no attention paid to them, who had withdrawn into themselves, totally unable to relate to anyone else, because they had been starved of love and attention. And it is well known that in bringing up children, even “bad attention” is better than being ignored.

I would go so far as to say that we can only become fully rounded people if we love and are loved in return. Jesus recognised this when he described “Love your neighbour as yourself” as one of the two greatest commandments.

Building loving relationships with all the people we come into contact with may sound an unrealistic proposition, but stick with it; the rewards are beyond compare. Starting from where you are is the important thing, and building up slowly. Resolving to live your life in a spirit of love means recognising that there is “that of God in everyone”, to use a Quakerly phrase. 

Kindness in friendships is closely related to compassion. It means responding to the best in another person, and forgiving the worst. It means making a positive difference to their lives, by small acts of kindness - remembering to send a birthday card, giving them a ring "just because", listening with the ear of your heart, and knowing them well enough to tiptoe round their tender spots and rejoice with them when they are happy.

And kindness need not be limited to friends. Let me tell you a true story, about the effect of a random act of kindness: It is amazing how little it takes to make a difference to the feel and shape of someone's day. A while ago I went to visit a friend in hospital, and, as is customary (or so I thought) I took her a bunch of flowers. Only to learn that flowers on wards are now strictly forbidden because of "water contamination". So I had to take them away again. But at least my friend realised that I had been thinking of her.

My original thought had been to stick them back on the back seat of my car, and take them back home with me. But then, at the main entrance to the hospital, I walked past two women (I guess mother and grown-up daughter) who were obviously waiting for a taxi or something. On impulse, I presented the older lady with the flowers. And her whole face lit up: "It's my birthday on Monday!" she said. So I wished her a happy birthday and went on my way.

I love the words of Frederick Buechner about how we act towards strangers can have a real knock-on effect. he writes: "As we move around this world and as we act with kindness, perhaps, or with indifference or with hostility towards the people we meet, we are setting the great spider web atremble. The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops, or in what far place my touch will be felt."

It is lovely to think that perhaps my gift of flowers to that woman might have that sort of impact on her day, and hence on those around her. It also made my day - her happiness made me feel good! It is amazing how little it takes to make a difference - to my life, and to that of others.

Loyalty in friendships is such an important thing. The sticking point of any friendship will come when your friend does or says something you cannot be happy about. If your friendship is true, you may be disappointed in them, but will still try to understand where they are coming from, and stand by them. A friend who deserts their friend at a time when things go wrong is a weak and feeble friend at best. The loyalty of one true friend can make an enormous difference to how one copes in a crisis. If just one person stands by you through thick and thin, it can make life bearable. To take an example from the Harry Potter books, Harry is gutted when his best friend Ron turns against him in The Goblet of Fire, because he (Ron) believes that Harry put his name into the goblet and didn't share how to do this. It is only because his other best friend, Hermione, stands by him, that he gets through the next difficult weeks.

Compassion, love, kindness and loyalty... that is what friendship means to me.

More Blessed to Receive?

I have often heard that "it is more blessed to give than to receive", as it says in the Book of Acts. Indeed our Discussion Group at Banbury was discussing this question yesterday morning, and came to the conclusion that both are equally important, but that it is probably *easier* to give than to receive, graciously, and thankfully.

But God had other ideas for me yesterday, and I spent the rest of the day being blessed by many small kindnesses.

the sweetest little Christmas cake in the world

First of all, I got stuck in traffic on my way back from said Discussion Group, and was able to phone ahead and ask my best beloved to have my lunch ready for me. So that when I shot into the house at 1.20, a nutritious and delicious meal was waiting for me, which I was able to eat and enjoy, before rushing out again at 1.40.

Second, when I got to the car park on time, and was feeding pound coins into the machine, a young woman stopped on her way out and rolled down her window: "I have a ticket here that's valid till midnight - do you want it?" Yes please - thank you!

Third (and fourth), when I shared some very intimate good news with two friends, both had tears of joy in their eyes for me.

Fifth, another friend, who eats gluten-free herself, had baked me the prettiest little Christmas cake in the world.

And finally, when we were sharing out stories about the gift of difference in the Encounter group, I felt so honoured to have *been* the different person who had unknowingly helped someone else to grow spiritually.

By the end of the day, I felt so light, so blessed, so very grateful. Yes, it is blessed to give, but also so blessed to receive.

A Small Kindness

I had to go into town this morning, for an eye test, and to buy some bits and pieces. I was just about to head back to the car-park, when I noticed a stall in the Grosvenor Centre foyer. It had been set up by some members of the St. Giles congregation, and they were offering free hand massage and nail painting.

And so I stopped, and got my hands massaged by a kind lady called Elizabeth. We got talking, and I asked her why they were doing this. She explained that they wanted to show God's love to the people of Northampton. And that there were some events for children up at the church.

I thought that this was such a lovely thing to do - they weren't proselytising, or anything like that - just trying to make some people's days a little bit brighter. I can only say that it worked - I was touched by her kindness, and my hands felt wonderful.

I do believe that this is the way to live - to try to make a little difference where we are, in the hope that the ripples will spread out and make the world a kinder and gentler place to live in.

Kindness to Strangers

Yesterday morning, I decided to try a few more carpet stores in my quest to find a red circular rug for the Weiss Room in our new church (circular rugs being now as rare as hen's teeth - they are all rectangular). I was eventually directed to a particular shop, where I found just what I wanted.

So far so good.

the rug in situ, looking good!

But I was pushing my trolley out of the store, with the rug packed high, blocking my view of what was ahead, and crashed into a low metal post with the trolley, winding myself badly with the handle, and gouging a chunk out of my right shin into the bargain. The shock of the collision and the pain stopped me in my tracks.

Fortunately, someone had seen what had happened. A kind man came over and ask whether I was OK, and when I said no, I really wasn't, he offered to wheel my trolley through the rain to the other side of the car park, then loaded the rug into the car for me, wished me well, and took the trolley back to the store. Talking gently all the while about Christmas and the weather, which I found very soothing.

His simple act of kindness restored me to myself, and enabled me to carry on with my day. As Stephen Donaldson once wrote: "There is also love in the world."

Making A Difference

There is a wonderful old story about a young man, who was walking along the beach, when he noticed that thousands of starfish had been washed up by the tide. The tide was going out, and the starfish were stranded. There was no way that they could get back to the water, and he realised that within an hour or so, they would all be dead.

In the distance, he noticed an elderly woman, who was picking up the starfish from the beach, one by one, and throwing them back into the sea. The young man went up to her and asked: "What are you doing?" She replied: "The sun is up and the tide is going out, and I'm throwing these starfish back into the sea, so that they won't die."

"But why are you bothering?" he asked. "There are thousands of them, and what you are doing won't make any difference. And there will be thousands more on the next tide."

The old lady stooped, picked up another starfish, and hurled it back into the receding tide. Then she turned to the young man and grinned: "Made a difference to that one!"

I love this story so much, because it proves that no matter how old or tired or busy we are, we can still make a difference in the world. It makes me so cross when people say "Oh, I don't bother with recycling (or picking up litter or whatever small task we are called to do), because my individual effort won't make a difference." The point being, that if everybody thought like that, Nothing would get done!

At times like that, I remember the story of the old lady and the starfish, and make my small effort, knowing that it will make a difference, no matter how infinitesimal. I try to follow the advice of the Quaker missionary, Etienne de Grellet, who wrote: "I shall pass this way but one; any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being; let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again." Amen

 

Permission To Be Vulnerable

A week ago, I had a minor operation, to remove a benign but occasionally painful fibroma from my left thigh. The operation went well, under local anaesthetic, and I was told to come back in  a week, to have the stitches taken out.

image: crowe-associates.co.uk

Well, yesterday I went back. The kind nurse took the dressing off, and I looked at the bruised but healing wound beneath. I'm a real wuss about these things - I don't like blood and guts & icky stuff - and I was dismayed at how yukky it looked. But I could see that the doctor had made a good job of it, and that in time I would be left with a small, neat scar.

Then the nurse dropped her bombshell. "I don't think it's healed quite enough to have the stitches out. Let's leave it for another few days. But leave the dressing off, if you can, and let it get some air, to speed the healing process." I explained that I would be doing a lot of driving over the weekend, so please could I cover it then - yes that would be fine.

So I went home, with the three dressings (one each for Friday, Saturday and Sunday) tucked in my bage. And intended to go about the rest of my daily business, as I had been doing for the last few days.

And was slightly (OK, quite) shocked to realise how vulnerable I was feeling, now that the dressing had been removed. What if I knock it? What if it splits? After a couple of hours of futile and pointless worrying, I phoned the practice number, and asked to speak to the nurse. Fortunately she was still there. I explained how vulnerable and worried I felt with the wound exposed, and her compassion was warm and instantaneous. She told me not to worry; to put a dressing straight back on; and that my leg would heal anyway.

I got off the phone bathed in relief, and so grateful for her kindness and understanding. And then a strange thing happened: the very fact that my vulnerability and worry had been met with compassion and kindness seemed to give me permission to carry on being vulnerable, to take that risk. And 24 hours later, I have still not re-applied that dressing, and the amount of healing overnight is reassuring.

But without that permission to be vulnerable, I would not have had the courage to leave the wound uncovered. And this was made possible by the compassion of the nurse. I thank God for the grace of the kindness, and for the gift of courage.

"That of God in everyone"

I love Pierre Teilhard de Chardin's words: "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." With the Quakers, I believe that there is "that of God in everyone"; a divine spark reaching out to the rest of the universe and to God. Some Unitarians believe in the Holy Spirit as "the active divine presence in individuals and communities, as the divine breath that gives us life, as ... the divine mystery moving among us and within us as we work and worship." (Cliff Reed)

The belief in God as the Spirit working through human beings is one which many Unitarians, including myself, are increasingly warming to. While we may have rejected the concept of an omnipotent, omniscient God, many of us still believe that God definitely exists, as that "active divine presence" that Hall refers to. As Mother Teresa wrote: "Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own home. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next door neighbout ... Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting."

 

 

Making the Best of Who We Are

Today I was in my local supermarket, doing the weekly shop. One item that I wanted was at the back of a top shelf, and those of you who know me in the flesh will know that I am vertically challenged - only a little bit over five feet tall.

So it was way out of my reach. Then I had a sudden sense of being loomed over, and a very tall young man in the supermarket uniform came up behind me. I asked him whether he would be kind enough to reach the said item for me, and made a facetious remark along the lines "It must be nice to be tall."

Then he blew me away, by turning and smiling, and saying quite simply "We have to make the best of what we're given, and give thanks." It felt like a moment of deep sharing. Then he gave me the item and walked away, before I could thank him for the good lesson he had taught me.

We have to make the best of what we're given, and give thanks.

How little it takes to make a difference

It is amazing how little it takes to make a difference to the feel and shape of someone's day. Today I went to visit a friend in hospital, and, as is customary (or so I thought) I took her a bunch of flowers. Only to learn that flowers on wards are now strictly forbidden because of "water contamination". So I had to take them away again. But at least my friend realised that I had been thinking of her.

My original thought had been to stick them back on the back seat of my car, and take them back home with me. But then, at the main entrance to the hospital, I walked past two women (I guess mother and grown-up daughter) who were obviously waiting for a taxi or something. On impulse, I presented the older lady with the flowers. And her whole face lit up: "It's my birthday on Monday!" she said. So I wished her a happy birthday and went on my way.



I love the words of Frederick Buechner about how we act towards strangers can have a real knock-on effect. he writes: "As we move around this world and as we act with kindness, perhaps, or with indifference or with hostility towards the people we meet, we are setting the great spider web atremble. The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops, or in what far place my touch will be felt."

It is lovely to think that perhaps my gift of flowers to that woman might have that sort of impact on her day, and hence on those around her. It also made my day - her happiness made me feel good! It is amazing how little it takes to make a difference - to my life, and to that of others. May I live to make it so.