Following the Beat of Your Own Drum

This week's quote advises us to "Dance above all out of line." In other words, don't follow the herd, find your own truth and stick with it.

Which seems to be a courageous thing to do, these days. When we are bombarded in the news and social media by words of fanatics, who only ever see their own narrow point of view, and seem to be entirely bereft of empathy or compassion for people who do not look like, or act like, them.

It takes a certain amount of guts to raise your head above the parapet and to state your own truth, clearly and with love. The recent ruling about the definition of women by the UK Supreme Court is one example. Government and media seem to agree with the judges, which has left the LGBT community in this country, and particularly our trans friends, feeling vulnerable and afraid. We need to stand up for the rights of trans women. As Unitarians, we need to stand up for our oft-quoted value that every human being is worthy of dignity and respect. 

Today's world is a scary place in which to be "different" - whether that is non-white, non-cis-gendered, non-straight. There is far too much judgement and condemnation of "the other" and far too little attempt to understand and empathise with their points of view. 

So reach out to your friends, reassure them that they are loved. Because they are human beings. And that is the only qualification needed.

That Darned 'Like' Icon!

Most of my readers will be aware that there is a very profitable sector called the attention economy. Human beings are social animals, whose brains and hearts thrive on social interaction. Social media platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and all the rest, are marketed as a splendid way to keep in touch with all our friends and family, no matter where they are in the world. 

But since Facebook introduced the 'Like' button in 2009 (and all social media platforms followed suit), coupled with the development of smartphones through which we can access them 24/7, our relationship with social media has become addictive, sometimes even toxic. Or so Cal Newport and many others believe (including me).

In his wonderful book, Digital Minimalism, Newport asks the question, "What specifically makes new technologies well suited to foster behavioral addictions?" (in the form of feeling compelled to regularly check our feeds to see whether our posts have garnered any likes). And he zeros in on two aspects: "intermittent positive reinforcement and the drive for social approval." Newport quotes from Adam Alter's book Irresistible: "It's hard to exaggerate how much the 'like' button changed the psychology of Facebook use. What had begun as a passive way to track your friends' lives was now deeply interactive, and with exactly the sort of unpredictable feedback that motivated Zeiler's pigeons." (Michael Zeiler was a scientist who proved in the 1970s that "rewards delivered unpredictably are far more enticing than those delivered with a known pattern.")

So each time we post something on a social media platform, we are in some sense gambling that our post will garner likes, but cannot predict when or how this will happen. As Newport comments, "the outcome is hard to predict, which, as the psychology of addiction teaches us, makes the whole activity of posting and checking maddeningly appealing."

As I said earlier, human beings are social animals - our brains are wired that way. Social standing and approval have always been important to us. In a social media context, Newport explains, "If lots of people click the little heart icon under your latest Instagram post, it feels like the tribe is showing you approval - which we're adapted to strongly crave. The other side of this evolutionary bargain... is that a lack of positive feedback creates a sense of distress. This is serious business for the Paleolithic brain, and therefore it can develop an urgent need to continually monitor this 'vital' information."

So if we don't get the 'likes', don't get the interaction, we are conditioned to feel sad. Whereas actually, real, offline interactions, face-to-face with someone, are far more rewarding, psychologically. This kind of real world interaction is so much richer than the online variety.

Over the next few days, Unitarians from all over the UK will be gathering in Birmingham for our Annual Meetings. And I am feeling sad, because I am poorly, and so unable to attend. Which has meant that my one opportunity in the year to truly and deeply re-connect with friends from all over the country is gone. I will be missing out on hugs, deep conversations, fascinating new knowledge, and communal worship. All of which are far more rewarding than scrolling through social media feeds.

But I'll be back next year. Have a wonderful time, everyone!

[The irony that I will be posting this on Facebook, which is the only reliable method I know of sharing the post widely with my friends is not lost on me. But I will not be anxiously checking to see how many folk have liked it...]

Do What You Love (As Often As You Can)

 This week's quote reads, "Do what you love, love what you do."

And my first reaction was, "Huh, nice if you can manage it." Because very few people love *everything* they do. Even if we are fortunate enough to have a vocation - and I have two, as a minister and as a writer, so I count myself doubly blessed - there will still be times in our lives which we have to spend doing things we don't love.

For example, in my case, I loathe both housework and cooking. But I also know that if I want to live in a clean, tidy and welcoming home (which I do) some housework has to be done, in order to make that happen. And I need to eat!

But I understand what the author of the quote means. It is our approach to what we do which makes a difference to how happy we are (or aren't). If I dust or hoover with a bad mental attitude (this is so boring, I wish I could do something else, why can't I afford a cleaner?) it will inevitably make me unhappy. But if I adopt Pollyanna's attitude and try to find something to be glad about in it (the house is going to look lovely when I'm done, and I'll be able to sit down and enjoy it) the time will subjectively go more quickly and I'll derive some satisfaction from a job well done.

It reminds me of the old story of the Medieval traveller who came to a town where workmen were building a cathedral. He spoke to some of the workers about what they were doing, asking them why they were doing it. The first answered that he was doing it for the money; the second answered that he was doing it to support his wife and family, but the third turned to him with a beaming smile and said, "I'm building a cathedral to the glory of God."

So while we may not always be able to do what we love, we can surely try to love what we do.

Happiness is a Decision

 This week's quote reads, "Happiness is a decision, not fate."

And I see what they mean, up to a point. Good things will happen and bad things will happen, but how we respond to them is up to us. We can choose to be at the mercy of our emotions, being blown hither and thither by the winds of fate. Or we can choose to "make the best of it" (or the worst of it) by how we respond.

For example, I have been feeling pretty sorry for myself in the last ten days - I have shingles, and it is very painful. But every day I have tried to find something to be grateful for  - my District has been incredibly supportive; I was sent some beautiful flowers and no less than four get well cards; I have been told to take two weeks off work (which is why there wasn't a blogpost last week) and so have not set my alarm. As a result of which I've been sleeping nine or ten hours a night - I must have needed a rest! Above all, I am grateful for my husband, who has picked up the slack and done the week's shop etc in my place.

A popular theory is that shingles is triggered by over-work, or by trying to cram too many things into too little time. And I've realised that was exactly what I have been doing. I was overtired, overstressed and out of balance.

But I've worked out how to make the changes necessary to bring my life back into balance, and I'm grateful for that too. This illness has been a sharp reminder to take better care of myself, because I'm not in my thirties any more...

Of course, there will be situations in our lives where it is so hard to find a silver lining - when we lose a loved one, for example. Our grief will be deep and real, and has no time limit. But in most situations, there is something we can be happy about (or at least, grateful for), if we look hard enough.

Love is a Choice

Scrolling idly through Facebook this morning, I came across this beautiful image, posted by the First Congregational United Church of Christ from Sioux City, Iowa, on the Faith on the Fringe page:

Reading it lifted my spirits enormously. I thought, yes, there are still people out there fighting the good fight, in the face of all the negativity, anger and hatred spewing forth from various governments and hate groups around the world. 

And it reminded me that we - all of us - have free will, and can make a conscious choice to embrace wonderful things like inclusion, empathy, compassion, equality, dignity, diversity, community, kindness, integrity, honesty, respect, justice, peace, the planet and humanity. We can choose to fact-check before we react to the latest sound-bite. And above all, we can choose to (at least try) to live our lives in a spirit of Love.

Love is an amazing phenomenon. It is fundamental to human well-being, and enables the rest of the good attitudes listed above. I would go so far as to say we can only become fully rounded people, able to respond kindly to those around us, if we love and are loved in return. It is the most powerful emotion in the world. When we truly love someone, we will put their welfare before our own, we will grieve when they are sad or unwell, and share in their joy when things are on the up and up. Loving affects every particle of our being. And I understand God to be Love at the centre of everything.

However, it isn't easy to live in a spirit of love: little that is worthwhile in this world is easy. With so much happening out there to grieve and upset us, the natural human response may be to become angry, vengeful. The process of growing in love is a challenging one. When we choose to try to live in a spirit of love, we are choosing to make ourselves vulnerable, and vulnerability can hurt. Love can only be offered. We can never guaranteed that the other person will love us back, or love us next week, next year... or that they will remain healthy and with us. Choosing to love another person is undoubtedly a vulnerable choice. Love comes with no guarantees - it is without strings. And that applies, whomever, or whatever, the object of our love is. We have to be all in. It involves trusting that the universe is a benevolent place (the evidence around us notwithstanding) and that the best thing we can do is to love on another as God loves us. It takes faith and courage.

All of this involves choice. We can choose to curl in on ourselves, look after Number One, and the rest of the world can go hang. Or we can choose to stand up for love, for all the wonderful qualities listed by the First Congregational United Church of Christ and strive for a better world. 

What will you choose?

 

And... Breathe

For many of us, it is the middle of the annual meetings season, and there is a fair chance we are beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed by the size of the to-do list. This is certainly true of me. Our District AGM is on 22nd March, and I am District Secretary, so am in charge of organising it. And the GA meetings are only five weeks away, for which I have several bits of paperwork to prepare - for the Peace Fellowship's AGM, and for a URG debate on the use of Artificial Intelligence in Unitarian worship.

And the rest of my life is pretty busy as well - there's always a service to be written and delivered; people to visit; research to do; family matters; domestic stuff - the list goes on. At times like this, when I am feeling overwhelmed by life, it helps to remember the words of Laird Hamilton: "Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your ears."

That little voice, which whispers, "It's all too much. You can't do it. There isn't enough time. You are responsible if anything goes wrong." A whole litany of negativity, nagging away at my equilibrium.

At times like this, I have found that there is only one remedy. I breathe - simply breathe. "Each breath in a breath of life, each breath out a breath of love" as my first spiritual director taught me. And as I breathe, I imagine a beautiful landscape - green hills and blue sky, like the image above, or a calm sea, like the image below. 

Or, better yet, take my anxieties out for a walk in the woods. I am blessed to live near Salcey Forest, which is a peaceful retreat in all seasons. But even if you live in the centre of a large city, there are always green spaces in which you can walk, beautiful things to notice, which can ground and re-centre you. And... breathe.

Start the Day Well

 This week's quote reads, "If you start the day with a laugh, you've already won it."

A nice thought, and I'm sure it does make a difference, if you can do it. But there is not always something to laugh about. I have a very particular morning routine, which I've followed for a good long while, which works for me. I've blogged about it here. Sitting in silence, walking in nature, and writing are the key elements of my own start to the day. I know how lucky I am to be able to organise my morning to suit myself (and of course, I can't, always, like on a Tuesday, when I have to be out of the house at 7.30 am to look after my grandson). But on the days I can, it sets me up for the day. 

Of course, it suits me, but will probably (okay, almost definitely) not work for you, because you are not a Unitarian minister and writer in your mid-sixties with my particular interests....

Nevertheless, I would argue that having *some* kind of routine is beneficial, if only for self-care and self-nourishment purposes. All of us have some habits - things we do automatically without thinking about them. However, we need to make conscious choices about these habits, so that we drop the ones which are not nourishing us, and make a stringent effort to cultivate those which are nourishing us. Easier said than done....

I first became aware of the power of habits when I read Gretchen Rubin's book, Better than Before, and her follow-up book, The Four Tendencies, which I have blogged about here. Again, it's horses for courses, and my regimented, disciplined start to the day may not suit you, but it works for me. And it's more reliable than finding something to laugh at!

Which habits help you to ease yourself into the day? I would advise you to think about it, work out what is important to you, then try to implement a routine.... your body, mind and soul will love you for it.

The Best Things in Life are Invisible

This week's quote reads, "The best things in life are invisible, so we close our eyes when we kiss, laugh, and dream."

Hmm. Not sure I agree with that one. Or at least, not with the examples they give. It's that little word "so". If they had said "because", I would agree. Because kissing and laughing and dreaming are some of the best things in life and, by and large, we do close our eyes when we do them.

BUT "so" argues a conscious choice, rather than a physical reflex. And I sometimes have my eyes open when I kiss one of my grandsons, my children, my partner, or a dear friend, on the cheek. Perhaps the author of the quote was talking about a full on kiss, lips to lips. 

I generally laugh with my eyes open too... because what I am usually laughing at is in front of them - a funny programme on the TV, for example. And when I daydream, my eyes are open, but unfocused.

I guess I'm being ridiculously literalist and nitpicky here. I suppose it comes with being a writer - words matter. Because, looked at another way, the best things in life are invisible - love, mercy, grace, faith, beauty, goodness, kindness to others, to name but a few. We can see them in action, feel the impact they have on us, but cannot see the qualities themselves. 

Embracing Life

 This week's quote advises us to "Live your life with arms wide open!"

Which sounds both attractive and vulnerable, both at the same time. Small children live this way, because they do not have any negative experiences to close them back up. But soon enough, sadly, most of us will experience unkindness, or worse, from other people, and will begin to armour up to protect ourselves. Why would we choose to live with our arms wide open, if it means getting hurt?

To which the answer is, it is important to take the risk, if we want to live authentically. We have to be brave enough to take off the masks which protect us and show our true selves to the world. The mask of competence, the mask of "Everything's fine", the mask of "I can make it alone", the mask of "I don't need anything (or anyone)."

This is something I have only learned in the past 15 years. Until then, I had spent most of my life hiding behind those masks, because the thought of sharing my needs for empathy, companionship and help was terrifying. But taking that step, opening my arms wide, choosing to show my vulnerable self to the world, has been a vital one on the journey towards my true self, my life in God. Slowly, slowly, I have learned to peep out from behind my mask, and to trust other people with my vulnerability. I'm doing it now, by sharing this with you.... My journey is by no means over yet, but recognising that behind that mask is my true self helps me to continue to be brave enough to be vulnerable. To trust.

Part of the journey has been about reclaiming a childlike trust in life. For me, being childlike means being open and vulnerable, trusting and curious, rather than closed down, armoured up, mistrustful and cynical. It is a courageous way to live because it means that we are more vulnerable to being hurt by others. And when we have been hurt in the past (and who hasn't?) it may be difficult for us to trust others again, to trust that the universe is not (all appearances to the contrary, sometimes) "out to get us". 

I have come to understand that faith and trust are facets of our deepest nature. But as life goes on, and we encounter betrayal in our lives - as we surely will - that faith and trust can be eroded. It can take a lifetime to choose to be sufficiently vulnerable to dare to trust again. To open our arms again. These betrayals, which sadly seem to be an inevitable part of life, need not be great ones which bring our whole world crashing down around us. Any time someone lies to us, even a white lie, or doesn't turn up when they said they would, or is unkind to us, we can feel betrayed. Once we feel that way, it can take a lot of time to build up sufficient faith to make the world seem trustable again. It can even shake our faith in the essential goodness of humankind.

Living authentically, embracing life, is about saying "Yes" rather than "No". I love the Quaker Advice which I first came across in my late twenties: "Live adventurously. When choices arise, do you take the way that offers the fullest opportunity for the use of your gifts in the service of God and the community? Let your life speak." 

"Let your life speak." Yes. I have rarely regretted following it, even if it does often make me feel vulnerable. I would far rather dare and fail, live with my arms wide open, than not dare at all.

          

          

Reach for the Stars

 This week's quote read, "Take time to dream - it is the way to the stars."

Now, call me pedantic and literal, but it takes a lot more than dreaming to reach the stars. It also takes a lot of hard work: time, effort and dedication. Having a dream, as Martin Luther King Jr did, can inspire us and the people around us to put in the effort and dedication required to reach the goal, but will not by itself make a difference.

Throughout human history, the stars have symbolised something high, out of human reach, unattainable, except perhaps by a very special few. And yet, the yearning to explore our world, the solar system, even the stars, seems to lie deep within us. Since the earliest records began, there have been stories of treks and voyages into the unknown - the desire to discover what is over the horizon, out of sight, is very strong.

And in the last century or so, as more and more of planet Earth has been explored, documented, charted, rather than remaining "terra incognita", this curiosity has extended to the skies around our planet. Science fiction writers and film makers have dreamed about what life out among the stars might be like, and we have been treated to fabulous filmic interpretations  - the planets, the people, the alien creatures. And who knows how much programmes, films and books such as Star Trek, Star Wars, Dune, Out of the Silent Planet, and The Expanse have influenced the dreams of people, who have gone on to dedicate their lives to the space programme...

My other lingering doubt about reaching the stars is to wonder whether the huge amounts of money and time and expertise might have been better spent on feeding the hungry, healing the sick, saving our planet from the ravages of time and humankind... Maybe our dreams need to start small - dreaming of a better world around us, in our country, our neighbourhood, our community, our family....

Hope Renewed

The American poet John Vance Cheney once wrote, "The soul would have no rainbow, had the eyes no tears."

Which is a lovely reminder, on this grey January day, that hope does come in the morning. In Chapter 9 of Genesis, God promises Noah to care for the earth and everything in it, and sets a rainbow in the sky as a reminder of that promise. "I have set my bow in the clouds, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. When I bring clouds over the earth and the bow is seen in the clouds, I will remember my covenant that is between me and you and every living creature."

Ever since, the rainbow has been a symbol of hope. I know there is a scientific explanation. The Met Office website explains: "Rainbows are formed when light from the sun is scattered by water droplets... through a process called refraction. Refraction occurs when the light from the sun changes direction when passing through a medium denser than air, such as a raindrop. Once the refracted light enters the raindrop, it is reflected off the back and then refracted again as it exits and travels to our eyes."

But for me, and I guess for many of us, the rainbow is a thing of beauty, a wonderful natural phenomenon that lifts the spirits. 

Cheney's point is that without the raindrops, the tears, we wouldn't be able to experience the rainbow. If there was no contrast, no sadness in our lives, we wouldn't be able to appreciate the wonderful, happy times. If all our experiences had the same emotional impact on us, we would have no sense of sadness and grief, but also no sense of light and joy. 

Human beings are wonderfully complex, usually able to experience a whole range of emotions. When we are sad, grief-stricken, angry, we might wish this was otherwise. And on the other hand, it can feel very vulnerable, to allow ourselves to feel unalloyed joy, because we know that it cannot last. But honestly, I do believe it is worth it, such peak experiences can stay with us forever, reminding us to hope in less happy times.

Happy is Better than Perfect

 This week's quote reads, "I don't want a perfect life. I want a happy life." Me too.

I mean... don't we all? Yet life is messy, chaotic, unpredictable, and we cannot dictate how it will turn out. The one thing we can predict with some certainty is that it will not be perfect. No-one's life is perfect. And so the important thing to realise is that settling for "good enough" will ensure that in the long run, we are far happier than we would be if we were constantly yearning for the "perfect" life.

Perfection is illusive. And elusive. Perfectionism is also what Brené Brown calls "the twenty ton shield" as we struggle for it without ever attaining it. I have blogged about this here. 

I think that the surest path to a happy life is to be content with less-than-perfect. To appreciate the small joys of our daily lives and notice them as they happen. Even when we feel overwhelmed and stressed, it is possible to find small moments of happiness in our day to day lives, if we are sufficiently awake and aware. I try to go for a walk most days and it never fails to lift my spirits to be outside in the natural world. There is always something new and beautiful to notice, even on the greyest day. And when I have finished my day's work, and settle down in my armchair to do some stitching or crochet, I try to remember to notice how lucky I am to have a warm home, enough money, and crafts which absorb me.

I am grateful for my happy life. It is not perfect, but it is absolutely good enough. And so, I am happy.

People Who Have a Bird

When I first read this week's quotation, "With people who have a bird, you can fly to unusual places", my mind immediately went to Gwaihir the Windlord from The Lord of the Rings, who transports Gandalf and others on his back at various points. Because that's the way I roll...

But I'm fairly sure that was not what the unnamed author was talking about. Perhaps it is the bird of imagination, or inspiration, who can light a fire of enthusiasm in other people's minds, so that they follow the bird owner to places they would not otherwise have gone, either in their minds or in their lives.

This kind of bird can inspire creativity of all kinds: writing, art, outside-the-box thinking, all of which can have a profound effect on the people who hear it, see it, or read it. To give a well-known (and possibly fictional) example: Isaac Newton having an apple dropping on his head and "discovering" gravity. Or Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I have a dream" speech, which inspired thousands to stand up for themselves and their rights. Or Bob Geldof seeing a television report about the famine in Africa and rushing off to inspire his fellow musicians to form Band Aid.

All of us, I guess, will be able to think of times when the bird of imagination or inspiration has touched our lives, changing it in profound ways. It's about the conjunction of the right words or image at the right time, when our minds are perhaps more open than usual.

When our minds are more open than usual. In order to be inspired, in order to grow and change, we need to be open to the influences of the outside world, rather than facing inward, closed down, centred on our own narrow lives. Which often takes courage... yet it is so worthwhile.

Change the Perspective

This week's quote is about how to change our perspective on life: "When the world is upside down, change the perspective."

As you can see, there is no author given, so I tried to find one on a few quotes websites. And although I failed, I was fascinated by the variety of quotations about seeing things from an upside-down perspective. One of my favourites was by Thomas Edison, who gives us a new perspective on failure: "I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

Changing the way we look at the world can lead to wonderfully innovative and creative thinking and activity. By daring to look and think "outside the box", to use a well-worn cliché, new ways of doing things may be discovered as well as new solutions to problems. Or we may even cease to see the problems as problems.

Sometimes (often in my own case) it can be the wise words of another person which turn my world upside down, enabling me to see my life from a different angle. The lessons we learn through this process can be hard to receive, but are generally worthwhile. I will never forget the day in the summer of 2013, when I confessed to my spiritual director that I was worried that my drinking was beginning to spiral out of control, and she told me to "Sit with the shame of it." Ouch! And yet, it was the wisest advice she could have given me, as I did just that, which resulted in my taking a vow of sobriety on 2nd September 2013, which I have stuck to ever since. 

Of course, it doesn't need to be something dark which changes our perspective. It can be something wonderful, like visiting a new place and being enchanted by it. Or meeting a new person, who enlarges our horizons. Or becoming a parent or carer - a game-changer for everyone who does it.

I guess that the core of the quote is to keep an open mind - not being constricted by conventional thinking, but being able to look at all sides of a situation, or a person, and hence understand it or them with greater clarity and compassion.

Be Yourself

The words "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken" have been variously ascribed to Anon, Oscar Wilde and Gilbert Perreira. 

No matter who wrote them, I believe they are great advice at the beginning of a new year. After all, who else can we be, but ourselves? And yet, it takes a lot of courage to allow our true selves to be on show to the world. It is incredibly tempting to put on a socially-acceptable mask or persona, partly due to our habit of ascribing labels to ourselves and other people: "partner", "parent", "worker". 

By the time we are approaching middle age, most of us will have a particular position in the world, a particular identity, particular roles, whether in the workplace or outside, and will be identified by particular labels. My principal labels and roles as I started my own inward journey towards authentic living were "mother", "wife", "librarian", "Unitarian" and "runner". Two of which I have now left behind; "runner" with much regret. And one which I have added, "writer", with much joy.

But I believed then that I had to somehow live up to them - to be the ideal "mother", "wife", "librarian", "Unitarian" and "runner". I have learned over the past couple of decades that my only duty is to be myself - the best me I can be at any particular point in time, for sure, but also to accept that I will never be perfect - will never live up to my own (or anyone else's) ideals. The penny dropping moment came in December 2016, when I attended a retreat at Holland House, and realised that the labels I was given are not me. I don’t need to let them identify or define me. They are not mine; in fact, they have nothing to do with me.

So along with resolving to be myself, I have also resolved to follow the splendid advice to do what I can, where I am, with the gifts I have. And to let the rest of the aspirational crap go.