Aging with Grace, Mischief, or Both

The other day on Facebook, I came across the quote below on the Wild Woman Sisterhood page. It reads, "Your time on Earth is limited. Don't try to 'age with grace,' age with mischief, audacity, and a good story to tell." A little googling has told me it was written by "mindfulness expert and author", Case Kenny.

On the surface, I thoroughly agree with him. I have seen far too many older people (men as well as women) "disappear" as they grew older - disregarded by their families and their communities. Or at least, this is often true in the West. In societies such as Japan and China, the old are honoured as sources of wisdom, sages. We in the West should take a leaf out of their book, I think, and be willing to learn from our elders.

As many of you will know, I fully intend to "age with mischief and audacity, and a good story to tell." I started the process last March, by bungee-jumping off a 141 foot high bridge in New Zealand, for charity. It was an absolutely fabulous experience, which I will never forget, and it has set me up to age boldly.

However, I would also like to say a word for aging with grace. As we grow older, and have seen more of the world, we will (hopefully) have garnered some wisdom along the way. And will perhaps have realised that the "small stuff" - the petty irritations of day to day living - doesn't matter. For me, aging with grace is about letting go of the stuff that doesn't matter, while holding on to (and advocating fiercely for) the stuff that does.

As I have grown older (and perhaps a little wiser) I have learned to think before reacting. I believe that this is the core of aging with grace. The one constant of life is change, and the art of aging with grace is accepting that, not passively, but actively. It is not about no longer caring, but it is about not going off half-cock, whenever something happens. It is about the unique ability to take the longer view about events, because we have "been there, done that", and hence have a different perspective. 

Happy Beltane!

Beltane, which is the Pagan festival celebrated on 1^st May, is the third Spring festival of the Pagan year. The first is Imbolc, celebrated on 2^nd February and the second is the Spring Equinox, celebrated on 21^st March. As my friend, Celia Cartwright, wrote, “The cycle of Summer is ushered in at Beltane, a time for warmth, sunshine and for crops and cattle to grow strong and fat, and so provide a rich harvest to last the winter.”

It is also, as she wrote, “a time of renewing energy, of thanksgiving and hope.” And this Spring, I can sense all these things in the world around us. The Annual Meetings of the General Assembly of Unitarian and Free Christian Churches are always held during the Spring. And this year, they too were a time of renewing energy, thanksgiving and hope. More than three hundred Unitarians from all over the country attended and I think most of us left with hearts uplifted and new hope for the future. Daniel Costley’s Anniversary Service was particularly inspirational. It was an honour to stand on the stage during it and be recognised as a retiring minister.

 I think it is important that we can continue to experience the wonder of Spring – the sense of divine renewal, the small annual miracles of the first flowers and the first buds appearing. They have got to be a sign of hope, that Winter cannot last forever. There is the wonderful dichotomy between the revelation of the eternal round, and the revelation of that which is new. Every Spring we encounter something never before seen, a glimpse of potential for the future.

Spring is also the time when we feel renewed and have new resources of energy. It is no accident that Spring cleaning has endured as a tradition through the centuries. Partly it is a necessity (more so in times past, when people almost hibernated during the cold winter months, and Spring was the time of the big clear out). But it is almost an instinct too – it is a time for taking stock of what we have, of discarding the broken and useless, of repairing what is worn but useful, and of setting our faces forward for the year ahead. 

If we don’t carry out a periodic Spring clean, our lives can become cluttered and stagnant, with no space for renewal and growth. You can guess by this that I’m not just talking about physical Spring cleaning, satisfying though that is, but also about mental and spiritual Spring cleaning. It is only too easy to plod along in the same old ways, carrying out the same old duties, not realising how flat and dull our lives have become. Sometimes we need to have a good breath of fresh air blowing through our lives, revitalising us and setting us on a new path in good heart.

 

All We Have To Decide

When I was in New Zealand, I treated myself to a black t-shirt from the Weta Workshop in Wellington. It has an image of Gandalf on the front, with the following words printed around him: "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

Gandalf says these words to Frodo, who is bemoaning the fact that the Ring has come to him, and darkness is gathering. "I wish it need not have happened in my time." In the book, this happens very early on, in the crucial second chapter of Fellowship of the Ring, 'The Shadow of the Past'. 

I wonder whether it was hearing these words from his old friend and mentor which gave Frodo the courage to set off on the quest to destroy the Ring. "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." From somewhere deep inside him, Frodo finds the courage to begin, although at first he does not realise that he will end up taking the Ring all the way to the Cracks of Doom in Mordor.

As in fantasy fiction, so in real life. As in Middle-earth, "our time is beginning to look black. The Enemy is fast becoming very strong." All across the world, there are wars, violence, hunger, and poverty. In our society, homophobia, sexism, racism, insidious privilege, and other aspects of intolerance and hatred are growing like rank weeds. Our planet is being despoiled and many species (both flora and fauna) are facing extinction. 

So, "all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." It sounds so simple, but it is absolutely not. No one person can cure the ills of the world. But each one of us can choose to Stand on the Side of Love, as the Unitarian Universalists say, and speak and act against the evils we see and experience. We may not be able to make a huge difference - we are not all Greta Thunbergs or Martin Luther King Jrs,  - but every little helps.

The Difference between Liking and Loving

I cannot remember which wise person said that it is not possible to like everybody, but you should try to love everybody. But I have never forgotten it.

I found a fascinating article, by Anita Oge, here. It lists eleven ways in which liking differs from loving. They are: the depth of the connection; commitment and sacrifice; the time factor; fear and vulnerability; the intensity of the emotion; the quality of time; acceptance and understanding; effort and consistency; need vs choice; memory and longevity; and in love, there is compromise. It is well worth a read.

Liking someone is more superficial - it's about having things in common, being attracted to someone for their personality, enjoying their conversation, sharing experiences with them. Conversely, disliking someone is about elements of their personality rubbing you up the wrong way, or you disagree with their opinions - the list of reasons for liking or disliking someone is endless, and each reason usually begins (however unconsciously) in judgement, for or against.

Loving someone is far deeper, far less conditional. It involves time and trust and commitment; a willingness to be vulnerable; and an acceptance of the whole person, 'warts and all'. Jesus famously told us, in his Sermon on the Mount in The Gospel of Matthew "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbour and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax-collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?"

Possibly the hardest advice to hear (or read) in these troubled times. Because yes, he is talking about our enemies - the politicians and warmongers who are wreaking havoc on our world; the fat-cat industrialists who are despoiling our planet for their own profit. That friend or family member who annoys the hell out of you by their behaviour. They, too, are children of God.

I don't think loving someone involves lying down and letting them walk all over you. But it does involve a principled commitment to compassion - trying to walk a mile in their shoes, so that you can begin to understand where they are coming from. For me, it is the true Way of the Cross that Christians talk about.

Never Judge a Book by Its Cover

The well-known phrase, "Never judge a book by its cover" has been variously attributed to George Eliot (in The Mill on the Floss), or to Edwin Rolfe and Lester Fuller's murder mystery, Murder in the Glass Room. The photo below attributes it to the German comic book writer and illustrator, Walter Moers.

However, I don't think it matters who originally wrote it. What matters is its message of not relying on first appearances to form your opinion of anything (or anyone). Judgement is something we all do, constantly, and we are rarely correct (or at least, not at first). 

[I am slightly embarrassed to report that my first reaction to seeing the photo above was judgement. It is one of my pet peeves, when people arrange books on shelves by colour! My librarian's soul rises up in protest. Arrange them by subject, arranged them alphabetically by author (or even by title). But why, oh why arrange them by the colour of the spine?? Books are not simply decorative objects. What matters is what is inside them, and I cannot understand why people would choose to make it harder to find the book they want... End of rant.]

I have blogged several times about how judgement (or at least, judgement without prior consideration) is a Bad Thing. Here, and here, and here, for example. My point being, we are all "unique, precious, children of God" and all have the right to our own lives, our own opinions, without being judged by anyone else. 

Many posts on social media are all about judgement - people are excoriated or praised on their external appearance or obvious behaviour - if you dress  or style your make-up or hair individually, if your skin is a different colour, if you are not heterosexual... most of us find it only too easy to judge others, usually to their detriment. But all that judgement does is demonstrate the judger's closed mind. I repeat again the Quaker phrase, "Each one of us is unique, precious, a child of God."

Perhaps if more of us remembered this, more of the time, the world would be a happier, kinder place... Or am I being judgemental?

Reading and Thinking

The 12th century French abbot and mystic, Bernard of Clairvaux, once wrote, "Reading without thinking makes you dull; thinking without reading goes astray."

All these centuries later, his words still ring true. If we read without thinking about the words we are taking in, if we accept them uncritically, without really thinking about what we are reading, we are not doing justice to them. I am guilty of this at times - when I have a new book, I tear through it at a rate of knots, desperate to find out what happens next. But I am not savouring each word, each sentence, each paragraph, let alone thinking about their deeper meaning. Which is doing an injustice to the author, who will have chosen each word carefully.... It is also likely that we will miss the deeper meaning of the words, if any.

Or not. Many of the posts on social media are dashed out without thinking at all about the impact they might have on those who read them. Or worse, in the sure and certain knowledge that they will upset or inflame people. Which is equally as bad.

On the other side of the coin, thinking without reading can be equally dangerous. Our minds can be seized by an idea and we rush off and do something impulsive as a result. Which may be unwise, or even dangerous. When we are presented with a new idea, it is our duty to receive it critically, to fact-check it, and to read around it. Many illustrations of this are in the popular health TV series Dr Xand's Con or Cure, which features people who have been taken in by posts on social media which promise instant cures for their ills. Viewers are warned to do their research before ordering anything, rather than relying on the website's own claims. I tested this for myself last night - a post popped up on Facebook for some sleep patches, claiming that using them results in 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night. I remembered what they had advised on the programme, and checked the product on Trust Pilot. To find that 93% of the reviews were one star ones.

And the moral of the story is that we need to both think and read critically, so that we are able to respond wisely and with judgement to both thoughts and written material.

Peak Experiences

 For most of us, life is fairly ordinary. And that is its own special miracle. To live our lives, day to day, to experience joy and sorrow, bliss and pain, company and solitude, and to be aware of the sacred nature of each experience, is to live well.

But sometimes, if we are very lucky, we will have a "once in a lifetime" experience, which lifts us out of of our ordinary lives. For the duration of whatever it is, our senses are heightened, and we appreciate everything vividly and with joy.

I have been so blessed to have this happen to me, in the first half of March. As many of my readers will know, I have spent the past two weeks on a Lord of the Rings tour in New Zealand. And it was completely amazing, a fabulous experience which I will look back on with fondness for the rest of my life. I am grateful for so many things:

• The dedication of the tour leaders (Julie on North Island, Josh on South Island) who consistently went the extra mile to make the experience as special and wonderful for us as they could.
• The unexpected fun of re-enacting scenes (complete with props) from the films in the locations they were shot.
• The unbelievably beautiful country that is New Zealand. And we were so very blessed with the weather. At the beginning of the tour, Julie warned us that we could experience "all four seasons in one day". But we had 15 straight days of blue skies and sunshine.
• The deep bonds formed with other members of the Fellowship. It was like Summer School - we came together as strangers, had rich and meaningful experiences together and, when we parted, it felt like a little death.
• The way we singletons (half a dozen out of 39) were folded into the community - everyone was included, no-one was left out.
• Making friendships which I believe will last long-term.
• The joy of "talking Tolkien" morning, noon, and night, with fellow Tolkien enthusiasts.
• Having the courage to do the bungee jump. Standing on the edge of the platform, 141 feet about the River Anduin, I felt a moment of intense fear, then I dove, and it was done, and it was amazing.
• The fun of the two on-coach quizzes - the range and depth of knowledge in the group was amazing.
• The WhatsApp group which one member set up on the first day, on which we all shared our photos.

I consider myself so fortunate to have been able to do this, and it certainly started my retirement with a bang! Whenever I feel down, I will be able to look back on this special time, and feel a warm glow of happiness.