The Difference between Liking and Loving

I cannot remember which wise person said that it is not possible to like everybody, but you should try to love everybody. But I have never forgotten it.

I found a fascinating article, by Anita Oge, here. It lists eleven ways in which liking differs from loving. They are: the depth of the connection; commitment and sacrifice; the time factor; fear and vulnerability; the intensity of the emotion; the quality of time; acceptance and understanding; effort and consistency; need vs choice; memory and longevity; and in love, there is compromise. It is well worth a read.

Liking someone is more superficial - it's about having things in common, being attracted to someone for their personality, enjoying their conversation, sharing experiences with them. Conversely, disliking someone is about elements of their personality rubbing you up the wrong way, or you disagree with their opinions - the list of reasons for liking or disliking someone is endless, and each reason usually begins (however unconsciously) in judgement, for or against.

Loving someone is far deeper, far less conditional. It involves time and trust and commitment; a willingness to be vulnerable; and an acceptance of the whole person, 'warts and all'. Jesus famously told us, in his Sermon on the Mount in The Gospel of Matthew "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbour and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax-collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?"

Possibly the hardest advice to hear (or read) in these troubled times. Because yes, he is talking about our enemies - the politicians and warmongers who are wreaking havoc on our world; the fat-cat industrialists who are despoiling our planet for their own profit. That friend or family member who annoys the hell out of you by their behaviour. They, too, are children of God.

I don't think loving someone involves lying down and letting them walk all over you. But it does involve a principled commitment to compassion - trying to walk a mile in their shoes, so that you can begin to understand where they are coming from. For me, it is the true Way of the Cross that Christians talk about.

Never Judge a Book by Its Cover

The well-known phrase, "Never judge a book by its cover" has been variously attributed to George Eliot (in The Mill on the Floss), or to Edwin Rolfe and Lester Fuller's murder mystery, Murder in the Glass Room. The photo below attributes it to the German comic book writer and illustrator, Walter Moers.

However, I don't think it matters who originally wrote it. What matters is its message of not relying on first appearances to form your opinion of anything (or anyone). Judgement is something we all do, constantly, and we are rarely correct (or at least, not at first). 

[I am slightly embarrassed to report that my first reaction to seeing the photo above was judgement. It is one of my pet peeves, when people arrange books on shelves by colour! My librarian's soul rises up in protest. Arrange them by subject, arranged them alphabetically by author (or even by title). But why, oh why arrange them by the colour of the spine?? Books are not simply decorative objects. What matters is what is inside them, and I cannot understand why people would choose to make it harder to find the book they want... End of rant.]

I have blogged several times about how judgement (or at least, judgement without prior consideration) is a Bad Thing. Here, and here, and here, for example. My point being, we are all "unique, precious, children of God" and all have the right to our own lives, our own opinions, without being judged by anyone else. 

Many posts on social media are all about judgement - people are excoriated or praised on their external appearance or obvious behaviour - if you dress  or style your make-up or hair individually, if your skin is a different colour, if you are not heterosexual... most of us find it only too easy to judge others, usually to their detriment. But all that judgement does is demonstrate the judger's closed mind. I repeat again the Quaker phrase, "Each one of us is unique, precious, a child of God."

Perhaps if more of us remembered this, more of the time, the world would be a happier, kinder place... Or am I being judgemental?

Reading and Thinking

The 12th century French abbot and mystic, Bernard of Clairvaux, once wrote, "Reading without thinking makes you dull; thinking without reading goes astray."

All these centuries later, his words still ring true. If we read without thinking about the words we are taking in, if we accept them uncritically, without really thinking about what we are reading, we are not doing justice to them. I am guilty of this at times - when I have a new book, I tear through it at a rate of knots, desperate to find out what happens next. But I am not savouring each word, each sentence, each paragraph, let alone thinking about their deeper meaning. Which is doing an injustice to the author, who will have chosen each word carefully.... It is also likely that we will miss the deeper meaning of the words, if any.

Or not. Many of the posts on social media are dashed out without thinking at all about the impact they might have on those who read them. Or worse, in the sure and certain knowledge that they will upset or inflame people. Which is equally as bad.

On the other side of the coin, thinking without reading can be equally dangerous. Our minds can be seized by an idea and we rush off and do something impulsive as a result. Which may be unwise, or even dangerous. When we are presented with a new idea, it is our duty to receive it critically, to fact-check it, and to read around it. Many illustrations of this are in the popular health TV series Dr Xand's Con or Cure, which features people who have been taken in by posts on social media which promise instant cures for their ills. Viewers are warned to do their research before ordering anything, rather than relying on the website's own claims. I tested this for myself last night - a post popped up on Facebook for some sleep patches, claiming that using them results in 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night. I remembered what they had advised on the programme, and checked the product on Trust Pilot. To find that 93% of the reviews were one star ones.

And the moral of the story is that we need to both think and read critically, so that we are able to respond wisely and with judgement to both thoughts and written material.

Peak Experiences

 For most of us, life is fairly ordinary. And that is its own special miracle. To live our lives, day to day, to experience joy and sorrow, bliss and pain, company and solitude, and to be aware of the sacred nature of each experience, is to live well.

But sometimes, if we are very lucky, we will have a "once in a lifetime" experience, which lifts us out of of our ordinary lives. For the duration of whatever it is, our senses are heightened, and we appreciate everything vividly and with joy.

I have been so blessed to have this happen to me, in the first half of March. As many of my readers will know, I have spent the past two weeks on a Lord of the Rings tour in New Zealand. And it was completely amazing, a fabulous experience which I will look back on with fondness for the rest of my life. I am grateful for so many things:

• The dedication of the tour leaders (Julie on North Island, Josh on South Island) who consistently went the extra mile to make the experience as special and wonderful for us as they could.
• The unexpected fun of re-enacting scenes (complete with props) from the films in the locations they were shot.
• The unbelievably beautiful country that is New Zealand. And we were so very blessed with the weather. At the beginning of the tour, Julie warned us that we could experience "all four seasons in one day". But we had 15 straight days of blue skies and sunshine.
• The deep bonds formed with other members of the Fellowship. It was like Summer School - we came together as strangers, had rich and meaningful experiences together and, when we parted, it felt like a little death.
• The way we singletons (half a dozen out of 39) were folded into the community - everyone was included, no-one was left out.
• Making friendships which I believe will last long-term.
• The joy of "talking Tolkien" morning, noon, and night, with fellow Tolkien enthusiasts.
• Having the courage to do the bungee jump. Standing on the edge of the platform, 141 feet about the River Anduin, I felt a moment of intense fear, then I dove, and it was done, and it was amazing.
• The fun of the two on-coach quizzes - the range and depth of knowledge in the group was amazing.
• The WhatsApp group which one member set up on the first day, on which we all shared our photos.

I consider myself so fortunate to have been able to do this, and it certainly started my retirement with a bang! Whenever I feel down, I will be able to look back on this special time, and feel a warm glow of happiness.

15th March: Last day - Nomad 4WD tours

 My final full day in New Zealand began with Mother’s Day wishes from Becky and David, which touched my heart. 

We were collected from the hotel for the first tour at 8 am. We travelled to more LotR locations around Queenstown and Glenorchy, including Deer Park Heights, above Queenstown, where the Rohan refugees trek round the lake and the warg fight were filmed, and  the site of the Argonath, which were just round a bend in the river from the bungee jump bridge. And I learned something new: Peter Jackson asked Viggo Mortensen’s wife for photos of his father and grandfather, then gave them to the miniatures department to use for inspiration for Isildur and Anarion!

We also visited Paradise, where Beorn’s house was located in The Hobbit movies, and is also where the scene of Boromir with  the Ring, the bursting of the Isengard dam and the tail of the Southern Alps are.

We then returned to Queenstown for lunch before going on a second tour which I didn’t enjoy as much, as it included some very bumpy off road driving, a chance to pan for gold (tedious) near Arrowtown. We also visited Skipper’s Canyon ( part of the New Zealand gold rush in 1862) which had spectacular scenery. But Maz would have hated it - it was a single-track gravel road with a vertiginous drop off on one side.

Back to the hotel by 5:30. After I’ve had a farewell drink with Aarthi and Sarah at 7 (they are leaving at 5 am tomorrow) I’m going to spend the rest of my evening wrangling all my belongings into backpack and suitcase.

It has been a amazingly amazing holiday, which I will never forget, but I will be glad to get home and see you all xxxx

14th March: Fangorn and the Breaking of the Fellowship

Today was an out-and-back day from Queenstown, as we visited the Mavora Lakes area, to see (and in some cases, re-enact) the orc funeral pyre and the calling of Shadowfax at the edge of Fangorn Forest, the tree Frodo hid behind to escape the Uruk hai, and the Silverlode River - Nen Hithoel where Frodo and Sam paddle across the river at the breaking of the Fellowship.

This evening, we have our farewell dinner with Josh at the hotel restaurant. The last full day is tomorrow.

On the journey, the two teams (captained by me and Rebecca, who came second in the individual quiz earlier this week) faced off in a Tolkien trivia quiz, in which the 40 questions for each team had been set by members of the opposing team (2 each). There were some doozies, and I was very glad of the in-depth knowledge of my fellow nerds. Our team won by 5 points - 31 to 26.

All good fun!

13th March: Bungee Jump and Queenstown

 Today was bungee jumping day. As usual, the anticipation was far worse than the reality. Once I was up there and securely strapped into my harness and round my ankles, my fear vanished and I just did it. There was no time to balk - they shepherd you forwards to the edge of the platform and remind you to dive rather than jump, then there is a 5-4-3-2-1 countdown and a gentle push. Judging by the videos, my dive was reasonably graceful.

I wasn’t expecting so much bouncing and swinging around, but it was okay. When the swinging slows, you are told to grab onto the end of a pole being held up by people in a raft below, and they get you into the raft and help you take the harness off. Easy peasy!

The hardest bit was the long flight of steps back up to the viewing platform. I picked up my free tee-shirt and went out to a hero’s welcome. I have to say, it looks much worse than it feels. I’m so glad I’ve done it.

When all six of us had jumped, we drove on to Queenstwon, which will be our base until the end of the tour. Josh took those of us who had opted for it to pay for our 4WD LotR locations tour on Sunday, then we were free to wander and shop. Aarthi, Sarah and I stuck together and I lost my head to the extent of a gorgeous coffee table book full of photos and stories about LotR locations, and a Gandalf tee-shirt.

Enough.