Self Acceptance

This week's quote is simple to read, yet hard to interpret. It says, "The most beautiful thing about me is me."

Because it can be interpreted in different ways. One negative way is to be so full of yourself that you believe you are the most important person in the world / your community and that everyone else should do as you say and believe what you believe. I am sure we can all think of a particular American politician who fulfils this brief to the hilt. And of all the negative effects that his narcissism is having on both the States and the wider world.

But most of us do not believe this of ourselves. Most of us have huge chunks of self-doubt, self-loathing to contend with. And so, when we get up in the morning, we put on the Mask, as a shield between our vulnerable selves and the world. As an attempt to fit in, to be accepted by others. And only take it off last thing at night, before sleep. And in between, we spend far too much time on social media, comparing ourselves disparagingly to others. This is also an unhealthy state of being, and a very unhappy way of living.

True self-acceptance is only possible after a lot of hard shadow work, undertaken over a long period of time. To be able to say (and truly mean) "the most beautiful thing about me is me" involves accepting all of ourselves, not only the bits we're proud of, but the small, mean, difficult bits, which we try so hard to hide from other people. There will always be parts of us we are unhappy with, but we have to somehow learn to love them anyway. Which means recognising our flaws, digging deep, finding their positive side (because there is a positive side to all of them) and then integrating them into our deepest selves. And recognising that we will never be perfect, that no-one is, and that is all right.

There are many self-help books, many processes we might follow to do this, including therapy and spiritual direction. In my own case, Debbie Ford's The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly, and Richard Rohr's Discovering the Enneagram were the most influential, plus (crucially in my case) being held so that I could do the work, by an empathic spiritual director. But whatever works for you is fine.

Every one of us is of is "unique, precious, a child of God" to quote the Quakers. And infinitely worth of being treated with dignity and respect, including by ourselves.

Following the Path

 This week's quotation, by French poet Anatole France, reads, "If the path is beautiful, let us not wonder where it leads."

Hmm. Not so sure about that... The first image that came to mind (having just written a service about John Bunyan's A Pilgrim's Progress, was of attractive paths which lead us into bad situations, whether physically, mentally or spiritually. I believe that it is only too easy to be seduced into taking a wrong direction, if the path towards it is (or seems to be) beautiful. If we are not wide awake, it can be very tempting to simply go with the flow, to continue in the direction we're going, to follow the lead of others, without asking any questions about the ultimate destination. Or, if the destination itself seems sufficiently attractive, so it awakens our desires.

Let me give you an example from my own childhood. I followed the path of teenage rebellion by beginning smoking at the age of 13, because I desperately wanted to be accepted as one of the in-crowd. I knew it was wrong, I knew it would do me no good, but it was "cool" to smoke, so to hell with the rest of it. 

Another example might be the seduction of any life-harming substance, such as alcohol or drugs. We can be tempted into trying them because of the promise of a more enjoyable life. "Everybody else is doing it, and look how happy they are, so why shouldn't I?" is the most seductive excuse in the world.

The many social media platforms around today provide a selection of "beautiful paths" - which have the implicit promise that if we follow the right people, post the right sentiments, it will make us more popular, more loved. Which are deep and fundamental human needs. Yet they have little to do with the real world, with out interactions with friends, neighbours and family. If our standard of what is good and bad is predicated on the number of likes we get on Facebook or Instagram, TikTok or Twitter (or its rivals) we are not standing in our own integrity, standing by our own deeply held values. And that cannot be good. I have blogged about the counter-cultural path of digital minimalism here.

It is my belief that we have a duty to ourselves, to other people, and to the planet, to question each lure to take a "beautiful path", rather than blindly following it, no questions asked. Because when we take the time and trouble to examine the path we are on, and the motives we have in following it, the ultimate outcome is more likely to be good, not only for us, but for other people and our world.

If we are lucky, we will have trusted others with whom we can discuss such things, whether they are family members, friends, members of a Unitarian or other religious / spiritual community, or therapists. All can help us to see straight, to avoid the allure of "beautiful paths" which promise much, yet deliver little.

The Straight Path

 French novelist Andre Gide once wrote, "A straight path only ever leads to the goal." And I guess that could be true. Sometimes.

But, oh my! How boring life would be if we lived in straight lines. For the first nearly fifty years of my life, I was one of those people who worked tirelessly towards a goal and did not allow myself to deviate from it. And it led to all kinds of bad things - stress, and measuring my self-worth against whether I had managed to achieve the present goal (and, if I'm honest) whether other people noticed all my hard work and praised me. The praise of others was vitally important to my sense of self.

Then I was introduced to the Enneagram, back in 2010 and discovered that I was a Three, an Achiever. As I wrote in Gems for the Journey: 

"During the session, it became very clear that I was an almost archetypal 3, much though I hated to admit it. 3s are driven by their desire to succeed, so that others will approve of them. They believe that effort is all, and that people are rewarded for what they do. [I learned early on] that love and approval have to be earned, rather than being free, unmerited gifts. Understandably, with this mind-set, I have always striven to be the best Sue Woolley I can be, and have always been a hard worker, with lots of energy. 

    On the plus side, this has made me someone who is enthusiastic, good at leading others, very competent, with great organisational skills. I can inspire others to work and have good attention to detail. On the down side, I used to believe that I have to keep driving myself to achieve, because unless I can show others how well I'm doing, and can bask in their approval, I can't be happy. I will do almost anything to garner praise and approval. It has also made me intolerant of people who are disorganised, inefficient, unpunctual or indecisive."

Those words were written in 2015, when I was still wrestling with the down sides of my Threeness. Discovering that true friends like me "just the way I am" and that it is who I am, rather than what I do, that matters has been a meandering path, rather than a straight one. I have backslid often. But I can truly say that today, I am much happier in myself, with myself, and with others.

And that is because the spiritual path of the last decade, far from being a straight one that "only ever leads to the goal", had taken me in all sorts of unexpected directions, which have enriched my life no end. I think (I hope!) I have become more laid-back, more tolerant of the different ways of others, more willing to meet others where they are in a spirit of compassion, less achievement focussed. I have learned, in the words of the Quakers, to be "open to new light, from whatever source it may come." And I have finally understood that God loves me anyway, and that nothing I can do will destroy that love.

And that is so precious. I wish everyone a Happy, Peaceful and Meandering New Year.

Everything Has Its Time

 The title of this blogpost is the first four words of a quotation by the 18th century German philosopher, theologian and poet, Johann Gottfried Herder. In full, it reads, "Everything has its time: winter and summer, autumn and spring, youth and old age, work and rest."

Reading his words reminded me of the famous lines in the third chapter of the Book of Ecclesiastes, often used in funerals:

"For everything there is a season, a time for every matter under the sun;

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot;

A time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to speak, and a time to keep silent;

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under the sun."

I have come to believe deeply in the idea that everything has its time. It is, perhaps, most clearly in evidence in the natural world: Summer follows Spring, then Autumn, then Winter, then Spring again. And each season has its own beauty, it's own "feel".  I have found beauty and wonder in Salcey Forest in all seasons. 

Yesterday, my husband and I finally got round to visiting Westonbirt Arboretum in Gloucestershire and the Autumn foliage was absolutely glorious to see.... every shade of yellow, orange, brown, red and burgundy you could imagine - no photo does justice to it.

We have decided to return in the Spring, when the trees will be in blossom - a treat to look forward to.

But as the quotation by Herder said, it is not only natural beauty and the cycle of the seasons which has its time - the whole of our lives are a process of change and growth and eventually of dying back. And each season of our lives has its own beauty, its own wonder - the wide-eyed innocence and enthusiasm of the child; the teenage years, during which we think we know it all; the settling in to career and our place in society, which makes up the rest of the first half of life and so on.

It is the second half of life in which we commonly yearn for something other than earthly goals - a sense of longing can possess our souls, turning us towards the spiritual, towards the divine. This second-half of life pilgrimage does not have an end point - we travel on, deeper into the heart of God, letting go of the things which seemed so important in our earlier years - status, belongings, and so on.

The autumn of one's life can be rich and fulfilling, if we can allow ourselves to continue to grow, while simultaneously letting go, slowing down. It's a fine balance to find, but can lead to true contentment and a secure sense of being where we need to be. For example, last week, I met my great-nephew for the first time, which was so special. Even if I don't feel "old enough" to be a great aunt!

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under the sun."

Off the Beaten Track

 The 19th century German novelist, Theodor Fontane, once wrote, "But all the best things, like everywhere in life, lie off the beaten track."

I'm not sure about this one... Some of the best things in my life have been directly on the main path of my journey - my marriage, my children, my first career as a librarian. All these were things I consciously headed towards and enjoy(ed) when they happened.

But if he means that life can give us some delightful surprises when we aren't expecting them, then yes, I agree. And often, so it seems, things which later become important in our lives, we stumble across by accident. To give just one example, if my young daughter hadn't contracted conjunctivitis and if I hadn't taken her up to our local shopping centre in the pushchair to get us both out of the house, I might never have seen the advert in the estate agent's window for the home we have lived in for the past 23 years. And it was the best move we ever made.

Spiritual insights can also turn up in our lives when we aren't expecting them. I've written about my revelation that God is love in the centre of everything here. That insight changed my life big time. And on many occasions, my spiritual director or someone at Summer School has said something to me that has opened doors in my soul. These have added immeasurably to the richness of my spiritual life and I am grateful.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

The German theologian, Martin Luther, who famously nailed his Ninety Five Theses to the doors of All Saints Church in Wittenberg in 1517, thereby starting the Protestant Reformation, has some good advice for us: "For we must ascend gradually, on a flight of stairs to other stages, no-one becomes the first in one fell swoop."

This is good advice not only for life in general, but also for the spiritual journey.  At least, for Unitarians. I understand that some Christians have a profound conversion experience and make the huge step from non-belief to accepting Jesus as their Lord and Saviour in "one fell swoop" as Luther said.

But we Unitarians tend to be more cautious. Our faith is based on what our reason and conscience tell us is right and true. And that may change over time. What I believe now, in my early sixties, is very different to what I believed in my twenties. As the 19th century Unitarian minister Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, " What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God." And this becoming is often not a straight road, with no diversions, no backsliding. Which is why most of us only manage to move two steps forward, one step back at a time.

There are many lovely quotations about the spiritual journey in Stephen Lingwood's anthology, The Unitarian Life:  Voices from the Past and Present. Michaela von Britzke wrote, "A spiritually growing person - like a spiritually growing congegation - is developing awareness and a capacity to pay ttention to what is at hand in daily tasks and encounters, as a template for understanding and filling a place in the wider scheme of things." 

That is what why I agree with Martin Luther's quote about doing the journey step by step, stage by stage. 

And yet, as UU Sarah York wrote in Singing the Living Tradition, "We receive fragments of holiness, glimpses of eternity, brief moments of insight. Let us gather them up for the precious gifts that they are and, renewed by their grace, move boldly into the unknown."

These "fragments of holiness, glimpses of eternity" can help us on our journeys, enabling us to move onto the next step and "into the unknown." But we often need the help of others to be aware enough, attentive enough, to see them for what they are. And what these fragments and glimpses mean to one person may not speak to the condition of another (to use the Quaker phrase).

Which is what being part of a Unitarian religious and spiritual community means. Being able to talk to other people about our own spiritual journeys and to hear about theirs is so precious.

The Paths We Take

This week's quotation, by Marion Gitzel, reads, "Every path that you take is also a footbridge on which you stand."

It took me a while to work out what she was getting at, but I think she means that each choice we make leads to consequences, that our choices lead us into situations where we have to make other choices.

Which reminded me of a service I did a few years ago, about living in the moment, inspired by a reading from Wayne Muller, who wrote, "What is the next right thing for us to do? Where in this moment, shall we choose to place our time and attention? Do we stay or move, speak or keep silent, attend to this person, that task, move in this or that direction?"

I don't know about you, but to me, this seems to be such a simple approach to life, much less stressful than being worried about a thousand possible alternatives. You just concentrate on the Next Right Thing - give that your time and attention, and then go on to the next one.

But I was, and am, very conscious that "simple" does not mean the same as "easy". This moment by moment approach to our lives *is* elegantly beautiful in its simplicity, but it is by no means easy to do. Because it means that we have to be conscious, awake, moment by moment, so that we make our many small choices with awareness, rather than blindly, depending on how we are feeling at the time. Actively considering each choice, moment by moment actually sounds like quite hard work. 

But it is the most important work in the world.

If we look at our lives, really examine them, we can see that they *are* the result of all the choices we have made, in the past days and months and years (and, I guess, the choices the powers that be have made on our behalf). It is a gradual, moment by moment, process. Muller likens it to a mountain stream, and like the stream, we "know nothing of what is ahead, [are] not conscious of planning for the future. [We] simply follow the path of least resistance, motivated by gravity. ... The only choice we make - what is the next right thing to do - responds to a similarly vital inner gravity, an invisible thread that shapes our life, as our life meets the world."

This is the footbridge on which each one of us, moment by moment, stands. The results of this process have shaped our lives. All of us are where we are now, today, because of our past choices. And where we end up, tomorrow and the next day, will depend on the choices we make today.

Only You Can Do It?

This week's quotation is by Friedrich Nietzsche, "No-one can build the bridge on which you have to cross the river of life, no-one but you alone."

And yes, we are all responsible for our own lives, for our reactions and attitudes towards whatever and whoever we encounter. The ways in which we react and change (or stay the same) can have a profound effect on our journey through life. If we do not learn from our mistakes, do not grow and deepen our spiritual lives through our trials and joys, then our bridges across the river of life will be flimsy structures, and we will be liable to fall into the river and be swept away.

I think he is saying that the more we experience, the more we learn from those experiences, the more we are likely to grow as people, both mentally and spiritually; and the more we grow, the easier it will become to navigate our way through our lives. And we will have a firm foundation under our feet, with which to do so. Whereas if we don't learn and grow, we are liable to repeat the same mistakes; our bridges over the river of life will keep falling into disrepair, and we will keep falling through the gaps, and re-experiencing the same problems and griefs.

The bit I'm not so sure about it the "you alone" at the end of the quotation. Because although I agree that in the end, it is up to the individual to learn from their experiences etc etc, I believe that the vast majority of people do this thing called "life" better and more successfully, if we learn from others, if we do it in community. Speaking personally, I *know* I would not be the Sue Woolley I am today, had it not been for the generous, empathic, gentle input from family, friends and mentors along the way. I would have become mired in my sadness and loss, and been unable to climb out and move on.

Life is a journey best taken in company.

The Hero[ine]'s Journey

Some of you will know that I love to write. I've had three non-fiction books published, and my first novel has been accepted for publication.  I spend a lot of my spare time either writing, or reading and learning about how other people write.

My son is also a writer and we have a shared interest in fantasy as a genre. I adore reading fantasy, and would love to try my hand at writing one, one day. My son has recently introduced me to a series of lectures on You Tube by fantasy writer, Brandon Sanderson, and I'm finding them fascinating.

He has an entertaining lecture style and I've learned heaps from him, about worldbuilding and how to create a convincing magical system. Yesterday evening, I was watching his podcast about characterisation, and one of the things that came up was the hero's journey. This is a trope made famous by Joseph Campbell, and is a plot outline much loved by fantasy writers: Ordinary person is taken from his ordinary life by a wise mentor, goes on a great quest with some companions to achieve / find something, undergoing various ordeals and tests on the way, then comes back home, somewhat changed.

This week's quotation, by George Moore, really reminded me of this: "Man travels the world in search of what he lacks. And he returns home, to find it."

I believe that we don't actually need to undertake a physical journey, to be changed in this way. I think that the spiritual journey has much in common with this hero's journey. A person is dissatisfied with their everyday life, realising that something is lacking, and starts to explore new ways of being in the world. They meet a wise mentor (in my case, the Unitarian minister, Rev Hilton Birtles) read some wise books, talk with people a lot, and along the way, are changed. They then come home to themselves and the divine, and realise that the sacred was there in their lives all the time.

Learning by our Mistakes

This week's quotation, by James Joyce, spoke to me straight away: "Mistakes are the gateway to new discoveries."

That is, if we have the humility to learn from them. Sadly, common human reactions to making a mistake are to either sweep it under the carpet and forget about it, or to repeat it, because we haven't learned from it.

Let me share an example. A long time ago, I was studying the Unitarian Theology and Thought module of the Worship Studies Course. In my second assignment, a Unitarian view of Jesus, I included a throw-away disparaging remark about Christianity. My tutor, Alex Bradley, gently pointed out that Christianity was the soil out of which Unitarianism had grown, and that many Unitarians were also Liberal Christians, and that speaking disrespectfully about Christianity should be avoided. This opened my eyes, and in the years since then, I have encountered many radical Christians, and have realised that Christianity is a very broad church indeed, and that its teachings hold much which I I agreed with.

Another teacher was the wonderful Rabbi Lionel Blue. who helped me to understand that it is through our failures that we actually learn the important lessons of life. "Your successes make you clever, but your problems make you wise." Oh. I wrote in Gems for the Journey  that "His books are full of wonderful stories, in which he is absolutely honest about his mistakes, his small meannesses, the grudges he is holding on to, and which show how accepting these and learning from them bring him closer to God."

No human being is perfect, infallible. We all make mistakes. It is what we learn from them that matters. They are part and parcel of the spiritual journey, through which we learn to grow into our best selves.

Trust for the Journey

Following our dreams is part of being human. Every one of us aspires to do something, be someone. And yet, the quotation by Günter Kunert, from this week's postcard tells us that the journey is already under way...

"Wohin auch immer wir reisen, wir suchen, wovon wir träumten, und finden doch stets nur uns selbst."

Which being translated, means: "Wherever we travel, we seek what we dreamed of, but always find only ourselves."

Every day we are on this Earth, we are adding new adventures, new experiences to our lives. And we always, always take our past experiences along with us. Every human being is the sum of their experiences. And these past experiences will inevitably have an impact on how we perceive what is in front of us today, now. That is how we learn, how we grow.

I don't think it is possible to "start afresh" to leave our pasts behind us. At least not completely. Because our brains do not get wiped clean of our memories. But it is possible to process our experiences, to discern their meaning, to learn from them, and then to move on, enriched by them.

Both therapy and spiritual direction help with this process. When I started my spiritual direction training, we were given a beautiful poem by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin on the first week of the three year course.

Patient Trust

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability—
and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you;
your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.

If we can trust, we will find ourselves in the course of our journey through life.

Asking for Directions

For the first time since I started this project, I find myself disagreeing with the quote of the week, by Paul Watzlawick. "Wer zu sich selbst finden will, darf andere nicht nach dem Weg fragen"

Which means: If you want to find yourself, do not ask others for directions.

Yes, I understand that every person is unique and each must find their own path on the spiritual journey.

BUT, and it is a very big but, I strongly believe that we all need support along the way. Which is why being a member of a spiritual / religious community is vital. It is possible to learn a lot by reading or searching the internet, but if we do not have other people to bounce our ideas and conclusions off, we might be led up the garden path by our own imperfect understanding.

I agree that asking others for directions may be a mistake, if we rely on those directions alone, and do not have our own thoughts and ideas. But for me, the spiritual journey is a combination of individual thought and sharing in community.

Which is why I find spiritual direction (which is really a misnomer) so valuable. If you have a spiritual director (which I have for the past seven years) they will accompany you on your journey, listening with full attention to what you have to say, and discerning the movement of the Spirit in your life. They do not direct, they do not judge, they accompany and suggest. Without my spiritual director, I would have been lost, would never have found myself, would never have had the courage for the journey.

I commend being in direction to all spiritual seekers.