My Little Piece of Heaven

Marcel Proust, the French author of the famous In Search of Lost Time, advises us to "Always try to keep a little piece of heaven above your life."

And that is exactly what I have been doing this week. After getting this Sunday's service written and recorded (on Monday!) I set off on the long journey up the M6 to my best friend's cottage in Cumbria. Since then, I have enjoyed three gorgeous days in her good company, conversing, playing endless games of canasta, and sitting in the lounge crocheting. It has been peaceful and relaxing and good.

Coming up here has been my "little piece of heaven" for some time now. When I'm tired and frazzled after long weeks and months of solid work, she is kind enough to offer me a bolt hole, where the only thing I have to think about is enjoying her company.

Whenever I drive back home, there is the feeling of leaving behind a haven of peace and re-entering my real life. I'll be leaving tomorrow morning, as I have a service at Shrewsbury on Sunday. And that is good too. I am blessed in my vocation. But sometimes, just sometimes, it is good to spend a few days away from it all. Then I return home rejuvenated and relaxed, ready to reconnect with the wider world.

Thank you, Celia.

Whatever the Weather

 This week's quote is by John Ruskin, the Victorian writer and philosopher, who wrote, "Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind is rousing, snow is exhilarating. Where is the bad weather?"

And my first reaction was, "Right, John. That's absolutely fine, so long as you have a cosy home, appropriately warm or cool clothing and footwear, and can choose whether or not to be out in it." Because so many people in the world today - in the UK today - cannot choose. They are either homeless, or cannot afford to heat their homes adequately. For them, bad weather - rain, bitter wind, ice and snow - are disastrous, not "refreshing" or "rousing" or "exhilarating". Which is why I have a monthly standing order to Crisis, the homeless charity.

But I guess if we took his words metaphorically, as though they were about the weather of our lives, I could agree with him. Sunshine can warm our hearts, rain can refresh us, wake us up, wind can blow fresh air into our minds and yes, the beauty of snow can be exhilarating.

But not all the time. Because none of us enjoys wall-to-wall delicious sunshine. All of us have seasons of depressing rain, bitter wind and freezing snow. Times when we cannot see the bright side of life. Times when we wonder whether the sun will ever shine again, for us. It is at those times that the warm sunny friendship of stalwart loved ones, who stand by us in all seasons, not just when we're feeling happy and upbeat, is most valuable. Indispensable, in fact. As is belonging to a loving community, such as a Unitarian congregation.

So his words remind me to be thankful for those loved ones, whether family members or dear friends, who stand by me in all the seasons of my life, who help me to weather the weather, if you see what I mean. 

You know who you are. And I am most grateful.

The Spirit of Place

 French philosopher Jean de la Bruyère wrote, "It seems to me that one depends on place and landscape in terms of mood, passion, taste, feeling and spirit."

I have found that to be true, up to a point. Being in certain places and landscapes brings me instant peace - for example, Salcey Forest. Which is why I go up there so much: if I am feeling agitated or fed up, I know that going for a walk in the forest will soothe me and bring my soul back into balance. I walk there in all seasons and it never fails to lift my spirits. Whether the trees are bare with the spare elegance of Winter, sharing their glorious Autumn foliage, or in their full green power (see below) being in among them brings me peace.

But our moods, passions, feelings and spirits are also affected by other things, mostly by other people. Because each person we meet bring with them their own moods, passions, feelings and spirits, which in turn can affect ours. So being with some people makes me feel happy and secure and uplifted, whereas the company of others brings me down. They seem to move through the world seeing the downside of everything, like Eeyore. I sometimes feel like that myself. Which is when I take myself off into the forest.

Which is why we all need friends like Pooh and Piglet and Tigger to comfort us and cheer us up. Good friends, who will sit alongside us, listen to us with empathy and compassion, never judging us. 

Bring Me Sunshine

"Whoever banishes friendship from life, removes the sun from the world." These words, by Cicero, made me think of the song which Morecambe and Wise used to finish their shows with (apologies for the ear worm):

"Bring me sunshine, in your smile,

Bring me laughter, all the while.

In this world where we live

there should be more happiness

so much joy you can give

to each brand new bright tomorrow.

Make me happy, through the years

Never bring me, any tears

Let your arms be as warm

as the sun from up above.

Bring me fun, bring me sunshine

Bring me love."

And yes, friendship does bring much-needed sunshine into our lives. All of us will have times when we feel down, and wonder why we bother to get up in the morning, as there seems to be nothing to look forward to, nothing worth fighting for.

At times such as these, friends are vital. If we can share our troubles with someone who loves us "just the way we are", the chances are that we will be able to get over the bad patch and realise that yes, life is worth living, and that yes, we do have the courage to face whatever comes our way. Such friendship is beyond price - it can make the difference between surviving and living, between hurt and wholeness. It involves compassion and love and, practiced purely, it is one of the most healing influences in the world. It may not involve laying down our lives for someone else, but it means putting that person's happiness before our own, because we cannot truly be happy if they are sad.

Anais Nin once wrote, "Each friend represnets a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that the new world is born."

Spirit of Life and Love,

All of us have friends,

all of us are friends.

May we understand the huge importance

of these connections in our lives.

May we appreciate our friends:

their kindness, their loyalty,

their ongoing, unchanging love for us,

warts and all.

And may we be such friends - 

not falling away when the going gets rough,

but always there for each other,

steadfast in our love,

ready to celebrate each other's joys,

empathise with each other's concerns,

and treating one another

as we would like to be treated ourselves,

knowing that the ripples of our compassion

will flow out into the world,

making it a happier, gentler place.

Amen

True Friends

This week's quote, by Carl Spitteler, is another post on friendship: "Menschen zu finden, die mit uns fühlen und empfinden, ist wohl das schönste Glück auf Erden."

Which being translated, means: "To find people who feel, and empathise with us, is probably the best luck on Earth."

Hmm. Up to a point. Yes, it is "the best luck on Earth" to find a friend with whom you can share deeply and feel heard, But I also believe that in the normal run of things, to *have* such a friend, you need to *be* such a friend.

Because friendship is a two-way street. and even the most empathic, kind person will find it hard to remain empathic and kind, if their kindness and empathy is received with hurtful words and negativity.

But I also appreciate that there are times when we hit rock bottom, and cannot give anything positive back. When the black dog takes hold, even survival is a tough call. At times such as these, an empathic friend is absolutely the best luck on Earth. Depression is a real and debilitating illness. And I'm not qualified to talk about it, because I have never suffered from it. And certainly not qualified to judge anyone who is suffering from it. I hope that I would be given the wisdom to just be with that person, alongside them, so that they know they are not alone.

May we all strive to reach out, and be that friend to one another.

Two Souls in One Body

This week's quotation is by Aristotle: "Freundschaft ist eine Seele in zwei Körpern". Which being translated, means: "Friendship is two souls in one body." And I have been truly blessed in my friends.

What are the qualities of a good friend? I believe that they include compassion, love, kindness and loyalty.

So what might compassion look like in the context of friendship? It means trying to put yourself into your friend's shoes, to really understand how they are feeling, so that you can respond appropriately to their joys and concerns. It doesn't mean feeling sorry for them, or trying to "make it all better". It means truly being there for them when they need you, whether it is to celebrate or commiserate.

Love in friendship is the same as it is in any other relationship. Love is an amazing thing. I very much like science fiction author Raymond Feist’s definition: “Love is a recognition, an opportunity to say ‘There is something about you I cherish.’ It doesn’t entail marriage, or even physical love. There’s love of parents (to which I would add love of family), love of city or nation, love of life, and love of people. All different, all love.”

And love is fundamental to human well-being. I am sure we can all remember those sad, sad photos of those little children in Romanian orphanages, left in their cots 24/7, with no attention paid to them, who had withdrawn into themselves, totally unable to relate to anyone else, because they had been starved of love and attention. And it is well known that in bringing up children, even “bad attention” is better than being ignored.

I would go so far as to say that we can only become fully rounded people if we love and are loved in return. Jesus recognised this when he described “Love your neighbour as yourself” as one of the two greatest commandments.

Building loving relationships with all the people we come into contact with may sound an unrealistic proposition, but stick with it; the rewards are beyond compare. Starting from where you are is the important thing, and building up slowly. Resolving to live your life in a spirit of love means recognising that there is “that of God in everyone”, to use a Quakerly phrase. 

Kindness in friendships is closely related to compassion. It means responding to the best in another person, and forgiving the worst. It means making a positive difference to their lives, by small acts of kindness - remembering to send a birthday card, giving them a ring "just because", listening with the ear of your heart, and knowing them well enough to tiptoe round their tender spots and rejoice with them when they are happy.

And kindness need not be limited to friends. Let me tell you a true story, about the effect of a random act of kindness: It is amazing how little it takes to make a difference to the feel and shape of someone's day. A while ago I went to visit a friend in hospital, and, as is customary (or so I thought) I took her a bunch of flowers. Only to learn that flowers on wards are now strictly forbidden because of "water contamination". So I had to take them away again. But at least my friend realised that I had been thinking of her.

My original thought had been to stick them back on the back seat of my car, and take them back home with me. But then, at the main entrance to the hospital, I walked past two women (I guess mother and grown-up daughter) who were obviously waiting for a taxi or something. On impulse, I presented the older lady with the flowers. And her whole face lit up: "It's my birthday on Monday!" she said. So I wished her a happy birthday and went on my way.

I love the words of Frederick Buechner about how we act towards strangers can have a real knock-on effect. he writes: "As we move around this world and as we act with kindness, perhaps, or with indifference or with hostility towards the people we meet, we are setting the great spider web atremble. The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops, or in what far place my touch will be felt."

It is lovely to think that perhaps my gift of flowers to that woman might have that sort of impact on her day, and hence on those around her. It also made my day - her happiness made me feel good! It is amazing how little it takes to make a difference - to my life, and to that of others.

Loyalty in friendships is such an important thing. The sticking point of any friendship will come when your friend does or says something you cannot be happy about. If your friendship is true, you may be disappointed in them, but will still try to understand where they are coming from, and stand by them. A friend who deserts their friend at a time when things go wrong is a weak and feeble friend at best. The loyalty of one true friend can make an enormous difference to how one copes in a crisis. If just one person stands by you through thick and thin, it can make life bearable. To take an example from the Harry Potter books, Harry is gutted when his best friend Ron turns against him in The Goblet of Fire, because he (Ron) believes that Harry put his name into the goblet and didn't share how to do this. It is only because his other best friend, Hermione, stands by him, that he gets through the next difficult weeks.

Compassion, love, kindness and loyalty... that is what friendship means to me.

Appreciating the Whole

It took me a while to puzzle out what Hans Christian Anderson meant by this week's quote: "Wenn man sich von den Bergen entfernt, so erblickt man sie erst recht in ihrer wahren Gestalt; so ist es auch mit den Freunden."

Which being roughly translated, means: "When you are far away from the mountains, you can see them in their true forms, this is also true of friends."

I understand the first half easily - when you see a mountain from far off, you can see its beauty and majesty as a whole. Whereas if you are closer to it, or even climbing up it, it's difficult to appreciate the whole of it. Especially, perhaps, when you think you're getting near the top, and you come to what you thought was the horizon, and there is another long bit to climb.

There are so many different ways of interpreting the second half. It could mean that you only appreciate your friends when they're not around, or when you've lost their friendship. Or it could mean that when you're away from them, you miss them.

But I think it means that it is often difficult to appreciate your friends as individual human beings, as whole people, when they are close to you, inter-connected with you, involved in your life. And that sometimes, we need to make the effort to see them objectively, to insert that little distance between ourselves and them, in order to understand them clearly. And not to impose our own thoughts and feelings on them.

Perhaps it is only when we are at a (little) distance to our friends that we can see them whole, and truly appreciate them as unique, precious children of God.

My Unexpected Friday

Over the last few months, an old friend and I have established a very pleasant routine. We meet at 10.30 am on the last Friday of the month for coffee and cake in town, and spend an enjoyable couple of hours exchanging news about our lives - the books we've read, how our respective jobs are going, and how our husbands and children-no-longer-children are doing. It is a very civilised custom.

So this Friday just gone (28th), I innocently drove into town, and was surprised to have to go all the way up to Level 4 of my normal car park, instead of finding a space further down. But I put it down to the imminence of Christmas - maybe people were trying to get their present shopping done before the rush.

I had read about Black Friday on Facebook, but had genuinely not appreciated the fact that the British retail industry and the media between them had persuaded the gullible British public to buy into this quintessentially American Day (we do not, after all, celebrate Thanksgiving).

So my friend and I enjoyed our usual coffee and chat, after which I wandered into M&S to spend a voucher I had recently been given by generous friends.

Which was when the penny finally dropped, and I realised that Black Friday had come to the UK. There was a very good sale in the Per Una section of M&S, and I picked up three items of clothing for the usual price of one, which was very satisfactory. And although it was quite busy, it was not manic.

It was not until I got home and logged onto Facebook that I realised what kind of collective insanity had apparently taken hold of a large section of the British population. Shocking scenes of people fighting over (and *with*) 42" TVs were being reported. It was like the Boxing Day sales had come early and madly.

You may think it hypocritical of me to comment, as I benefited from Black Friday myself. My defence is that it was purely accidental, and that I only spent the voucher I had been given, which I would have spent that day anyway.

The question I am left with is why?

Why have British retailers decided to import this American custom, at a time of year when a lot of people are buying stuff for Christmas anyway, at full price?

Why are British people so willing to be influenced by the media? Yes, I get that there were some very good bargains to be had, but fighting in the aisles? Over consumer goods?

It makes me sad that, as somebody remarked on Facebook, if you camp out for a social justice issue (remember Occupy a few years ago?) you are seen as a leftie drop-out, but if you buy into a media-induced retail frenzy, losing your veneer of civilisation along the way, that is perfectly acceptable.

Passionate Living

I have a dear friend. Superficially, we are quite different. She is very feminine - always wears make-up, has her nails done, and has a shoe collection to rival Imelda Marcos. Whereas I rarely wear make-up, keep my nails fairly short for ease of typing, and own about ten pairs of shoes, two pairs of which are trainers. And yet, we are very good friends indeed, and I count myself blessed that she is a part of my life.

image: kaceycrawford.com.au

We were talking last night, and realised what it was we have in common - we are both passionate women, who do what we do, and like what we like, with our whole selves. This can have its down side - we are "neck or nothing" people, who find it very difficult to moderate. (which is one reason why I've stopped smoking and drinking this year - a few were never enough, in either case). And my friend is a stickler for housework - her house is always like a new pin, no matter how tired or busy she is.

But passion can be good too. It can mean that we throw ourselves into the things we care about wholeheartedly, with no holding back, no partial commitment. I am passionate about my family, about my ministry, about Unitarianism and about writing. I am passionate about my friends, about running, and about cross-stitch. So I do and interact with all these things with my whole self, with heart and mind and soul. And that is good.

Which is why I was unutterably moved by a quotation by Lyman Abbott, which was posted on Facebook the other day, and which I believe are words to live by:

"Put all your ambition, all your enthusiasm, into the work of service. Make it the aim of your life to leave the world better and happier because you have lived in it, and take without greed or grasping what the world will give you of service in return."

The Devotion of Friends

I have just been re-reading Vera Brittain's two volumes of autobiography - Testament of Youth and Testament of Experience. It has made me reflect on the nature of true friendship.

There is something very special about devoted friendship - the best marriages are based on it, for example. Such loyalty and devotion between two people is rare and precious, whether it occurs between a man and a woman, or between two people of the same sex. The relationship between Vera Brittain and Winifred Holtby is a beautiful example of a very strong same-sex devoted friendship. They met at Oxford after the First World War, and after a rocky start, became the best of friends. In her wonderful tribute to Winifred, Testament of Friendship, Vera writes of her time with Winifred in London before her (Vera's) marriage:

"Those years with Winifred taught me that the type of friendship which reaches its apotheosis in the story of David and Jonathan is not a monopoly of the masculine sex ... After a year or two of constant companionship, our response to each other's needs and emotions had become so instinctive that in our correspondence one of us often replied to some statement or request made by the other before the letter which contained it had arrived."

Winifred's love and loyalty to Vera were complete and absolute. After Vera's marriage to George Catlin, the friendship between the two women is as strong as ever; indeed for some years, Winifred shared a house with the Brittain-Catlins. She wrote a typically rueful letter to Vera shortly after the latter's marriage and subsequent removal to America for a year: "I am happy. In a way I suppose I miss you, but that does not make me less happy ... When a person that one loves is in the world and alive and well, and pleased to be in the world, then to miss them is only a new flavour, a salt sharpness in experience." When she died at the tragically early age of 37, Vera was devastated.

Every human being needs at least one deep, true friend, who, in the words of the Arabian proverb "is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away. This is the sort of friendship that can, with luck and care, grow between people of all kinds.

Today is Golden Rule Day, on which we are exhorted to do unto others as we would wish to have done to ourselves, and to refrain from doing to others that which would give us pain. Every time we obey this, we are putting out a small tendril of friendship towards another person - who knows where it might lead?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank Goodness for Friends

I've had a busy week. In fact, I've had a busy month. And I would not have got through it, had it not been for the love and support of my family and friends.

I am reminded of the beautiful words of the Arabian proverb:

"A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away."

And also of Roy Croft:

"I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.

I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.

I love you for the part of me that you bring out;

I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart, and passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can't help dimly seeing there, and for drawing out into the light, all the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.

I love you because you are helping me to make of the lumber of my life, not a tavern, but a temple;
Out of works of my every day, not a reproach but a song.

I love you because you have done more than any creed could have done to make me good, and more than any fate could have done to make me happy.

You have done it without a touch, without a word, without a sign.

You have done it by being yourself. Perhaps that is what being a friend means, after all."

Thank you; thank you all.

Scott of the Antarctic

One hundred years ago next week, Captain Robert Scott and his Expedition arrived at the South Pole. Like many British children, I was brought up on the story of Scott of the Antarctic, and admired the bravery and courage of the Expedition members. Robert Scott and his companions were heroes of their time - brave explorers pushing back the limits of humankind's knowledge of the Earth.

Scott and the others at the South Pole

And yet, the end of the tale was so very sad - Titus Oates' noble self-sacrifice "I am going outside and may be some time" always moved me to tears - it was hard to understand how he found the courage to lay down his own life in the hope that without him to slow them down, his friends might be able to reach safety. But the ferocious weather was against them, and they died in their tent, a scant dozen miles away from a supply depot.

I wonder, what was it that kept them going as long as they did - I think it must have been the belief that they were doing something that was worth giving their all to. There is a lovely bit in the Peter Jackson film of Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings which reflects this - Sam and Frodo are standing in the ruins of Osgiliath, and Frodo asks Sam what gives him the strength to carry on. Sam replies that it is his belief "that there is some good in the world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

Most of us will never be in such an extreme situation as Captain Scott and his companions. Nevertheless, all of us will have times when we feel "down" and wonder why we bother to get up in the morning, as there seems to be nothing to look forward to, nothing worth fighting for.

At times such as these, friends are vital. If we can share our troubles with someone who loves us "just the way we are", the chances are that we will be able to get over the bad patch and realise that yes, life is worth living, and that yes, we do have the courage to face whatever comes our way. Such friendship is beyond price - it can make the difference between surviving and living, between hurt and wholeness.  It involves compassion and love, and, practiced purely, it is one of the most healing influences in the world. It may not involve laying down our lives for someone else, as Titus Oates did, but it means putting that person's happiness before our own, because we cannot be truly happy if they are sad.