Effective Anger

The Ancient Greek philosopher, Aristotle, once wrote, "Anyone can get angry, that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, in the right measure, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is hard."

There is much wisdom in that. We live in an angry world, in which most people get angry with the wrong person, too much, at the wrong time, for the wrong reason, and in a non-productive way. And all that does, is to make the world around us a little more toxic, and (potentially) a lot more dangerous. It doesn't do the person getting angry much good either, most of the time: we end up feeling thoroughly frazzled, with upset stomachs, headaches, and high blood pressure. And, whatever has made us angry in the first place, is still happening. Our anger hasn't made a positive difference.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not for a minute advocating lying down and giving up. I believe that when we see injustice in the world (and there is far too much of it) we have a duty to "stand on the side of love" as the Unitarian Universalists say.  But I think that what Aristotle is saying is that we have to be considered in our anger, so that it has a fruitful outcome. Which is indeed, as he said, difficult. Because the first thing that anger does to us, is to turn off our higher brain. We come out, fists swinging, determined to beat whoever or whatever it is that is making us angry.

It takes an awful lot of discipline and self-knowledge to step back and say, "Hang on a minute. Is there a better way I could be responding to this? A way which would lead to the outcome I desire?"

When I am angry, I find that the most effective way of stepping back, becoming more considered, is to breathe. Just that. Breathe slowly and deeply, to recentre myself and turn my higher brain back on. Of course, there are situations in which this wouldn't be appropriate - in the case of immediate violence, for example. But most of the time, the things I get angry about are not immediately life-threatening, so there is time (if I remember) to step back, breathe.

Then, I can work out why I'm angry, and decide what steps I want to take to remedy that. Which is, as Aristotle said, hard.

Being Cheerful

The 3rd century BCE Chinese writer and politician, Lü Buwei, once wrote, "The heart must be in harmony and calm; only then will it be cheerful."

Quite what is "harmonious and calm" about a jug of home-made lemonade, I'm not exactly sure, but there we are...

My Concise Oxford Dictionary defines "cheerful" as, "contented, in good spirits, hopeful; bright, pleasant; willing, not reluctant." And yes, I absolutely agree that harmony and calm will help us to have cheerful hearts, but not "only then". Because of the last part of that dictionary definition, "willing, not reluctant." I believe we might do something, in a  "willing, not reluctant" spirit, but feel far from calm while we are doing it. For example, one might say something like, "I could cheerfully have throttled him/her."

I Googled "cheerful quotes" and while many of them agreed with Lü Buwei, and more conflated cheerfulness with optimism, some definitely showed another side of the word. For example:

"The average man has a carefully cultivated ignorance about household matters - from what to do with the crumbs to the grocer's telephone number - a sort of cheerful inefficiency which protects him." Crystal Eastman (an American lawyer). And yes, I know that this is a dangerous generalisation - in our house, my husband and I split the housework fairly evenly.

And I believe that the heart can be "in harmony and calm" when we are feeling far from cheerful. For example, when we hear of the death of an old friend, who perhaps died peacefully in their sleep, surrounded by their family, at a good age. In this circumstance, we might accept that they had a "good death" (if there even is such a thing) but would certainly not feel "cheerful" about it.

Yet I do believe that harmony and calmness can help us to view life in a more cheerful way - to accept what comes without heartburning, and striving to live in the present, neither being too nostalgic about the past, nor worrying overmuch about the future. They might even help us to be more compassionate.

Peace Within

 The 19th century Austrian writer, Adalbert Stifter, once wrote, "Only the calm within ourselves lets us drift carefree to new shores."

And I think he's right. Because he included the word "carefree". We are able to drift to new shores under stress (although we may rather be paddling frantically than drifting) but I do agree that in order to be carefree, and to fully open ourselves to the possibility of "new shores", calm within does help. A lot.

Yet it is not so easy to cultivate as it is to write about... Because it involves living in the present, and choosing to let go of perfectionism and joyless striving, and allow ourselves to... yes, drift. Which is not something that comes naturally to many of us (me included!). And if we try to "work at" achieving calm within, guess what? We're doing it wrong... inner calm can only come when we let go of conscious effort and allow ourselves to be at rest. To sit in the silence, to rest our hearts and souls. Being content to let go, to not achieve, to trust.

All these concepts are so foreign to most of us - it seems far more natural to throw our whole selves into the effort of achieving something. Many of us find it difficult to abdicate control, to allow things to turn out as they will, without our volition. But it is surprising that, when we do manage to do this, matters turn out well, as often as not.

Which reminds me of Benjamin Hoff's wonderful book, The Tao of Pooh. In which he explains the principles of Taoism through the characters and actions (or non-actions) or Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Eeyore, Rabbit and the other inhabitants of A.A. Milne's The World of Pooh. When I began my spiritual journey, I was far more of a Tigger, bouncing around enthusiastically, rushing into things with little reflection, or like Rabbit, who was too clever for his own good. It has taken years and long practice to begin to learn to trust, to let go, like Pooh.

But when I manage it (which is not always) that inner calm does descend, and I am enabled to "drift carefree to new shores." 

Calm, Never Restless or Impatient

This week's quotation is by Henry David Thoreau, friend of Emerson, and Transcendentalist writer. "The wise man is calm, never restless or impatient. He is completely present to every moment."

I wonder whether he was being aspirational, when he wrote this. Because the Thoreau I have read about believed in throwing himself in to life, in experiencing it deeply. Here is a famous quotation from Walden:

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion."

The words "calm, never restless or impatient" remind me more of the Buddha, when he had achieved Enlightenment. Free from desires and suffering, he had discovered true calm.

It is a rare gift, this quality of calm. Brené Brown calls it a "super-power". She defines it as "creating perspective and mindfulness while managing emotional reactivity." Because remaining calm in an anxious situation can help to defuse the anxiety, whereas a panicked response will escalate it. It's about counting to ten before responding. It's about not believing every Facebook meme you see and instantly reacting to it, but rather going to the source and discovering the true story.

My favourite advice of hers about calm is the two questions she has learned to ask herself before responding to any situation:

1 "Do I have enough information to freak out?"
2 Even if the answer to question 1 is "yes", "Will freaking out help?"

The answer is always, always "no".

Being "calm, never restless or impatient" is wise advice, something we should all aspire to. If I am getting wound up about something, it helps if I breathe, slowly and quietly. And run through the words of the beautiful Celtic prayer:

Deep Peace of the running waves to you.

Deep Peace of the flowing air to you.

Deep Peace of the quiet earth to you.

Deep peace of the shining stars to you.

Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you.

A Break in the Clouds

I was driving back home from Evesham yesterday, when I noticed this dramatic sky ahead of me. It spoke to me so much that I found a parking space (fortunately I was on a dual carriageway, not the motorway), parked up, and took a picture.

I'm not sure whether it will show up on your browser / phone, but the contrast between the dark, rain-filled clouds and the brightness of the unchanging blue sky behind was remarkable to the naked eye.

In fact it reminded me of a metaphor much used by Martin Laird in his book Into the Silent Land, which is about learning how to do contemplative prayer. He says that our thoughts and feelings are like the weather, but that there is something deeper within, which is not affected by changes in that weather, that is deep, and luminous, and aware. Laird refers to it as a mountain, Mount Zion. Which is that-of-God within each of us.

Seeing that bright blue sky behind those menacing clouds helped me to understand that although our thoughts, moods, and feelings may change from day to day, or even from moment to moment, there is a deep, peaceful, sky-blue awareness behind and above them, into which we can sink, if we just have the patience to sit in silence for a while, and let our passing emotions do just that - pass by. It's not easy by any means - the chattering monkeys are loud and clear; the inner video is always there, ready to seduce our attention away.

But fleeting moment of peace are possible, and the knowledge that this deeper, calmer centre is there may help us in our everyday lives.. It surely helps me.