Respectful Dialogue

The 20th century German philosopher Hans-Georg Gadamer once wrote, "A conversation presupposes that the other person could be right."

We, as a society, seem to have lost this insight in recent years. Most public "conversation" is fiercely adversarial, with each participant focussed only on their own point of view, on putting over their own agenda, with little care for what the other person thinks or believes. Scoring points seems to be more important than learning about the other.

I think that is so sad. I believe that *no-one* has Got It All Right, whatever "It" is, and that there should always be room and time for listening to what the other person says, for learning from each other.  Even if our lack of listening skills come from a misplaced zeal for our own points of view, it is still wrong to disregard the wisdom of other people. Like Gadamer says, "the other person could be right".

If I was in charge of the world (😀) I would wave my magic wand and stop all conflict in its tracks. Then I would enforce a long process of deep listening on all participants, interspersed with times of stillness and meditation, because in true conversation, where there is give and take, it is possible to come to understand and appreciate that we are not always right, that the other person has a point, if not several points, with which we might come to agree, if only we thought about it long enough. Which would be where the times of stillness and reflection came in.

We all have the innate ability to pause before we leap in with a reaction, but in order to practice this, we need to step back from our immediate gut responses, and take time out to reflect on what we have heard. To understand that "the other person could be right".

And even if we know for sure that the other person is wrong (for example, if they are saying or doing hateful things to other people or the planet) there are still better ways of responding than through instant aggro. Because mutual aggression only leads to entrenchment behind fixed positions. Whereas, respectful dialogue may just lead towards a change in behaviour, to a more enlightened understanding.

I blogged about the art of deep listening a few years ago, here, and I still hold by what I said then: "It takes a lot of practice to put [all the blocks to deep listening] aside and to 'step out of the I' and truly listen to what the other person is saying.... But it is essential, if we are to have 'real', deep, meaningful conversations. For the speaker, it is about being heard, held, and deeply accepted. For the listener, it is about putting all the blocks aside and concentrating exclusively on the other."

I wonder how much more peaceful, how much more harmonious, our world would be, if more of us tried to put this into practice?

Real Conversation

 The French author, Albert Camus, wrote (something like) "Real conversation means stepping out of the I and knocking on the door of You."

Deep, empathic listening is a rare commodity these days. One of the first skills we were taught on the Encounter course in spiritual direction was how to be a good listener, and what gets in the way. There are many blocks to good listening. For example,  it is difficult if we are distracted by external noise or our bodies are uncomfortable. 

But the main blocks to listening come from our minds. Only too often, our minds are going 100 miles an hour while we are "listening" to someone. In the Encounter handout on good listening, Julie Dunstan lists the following blocks:

"Comparing what we hear with something or someone else, including our own experience. 

Mind reading – thinking we know what will be said. 

Judging or evaluating rather than listening with unconditional regard. 

Problem solving: because we think that is our task or because we are unable to stay with the tension of something unresolved. 

Advising 

Making Assumptions 

Being pre-occupied with other thoughts or concerns. 

Daydreaming – just letting our minds drift away. 

Offering Platitudes – often because we think we need to get someone to feel better. 

Derailing the conversation; not staying to the proper focus but going sideways."

She also suggests that the words of the person we are listening to might lead to feelings within ourselves, which also distract us from what is being said:

"Often what takes us away from another in our mind begins with feelings of fear or strong reactions in ourselves based on our own experience. We might be afraid of being overwhelmed by certain feelings. We might be confused about whose feelings are whose. We might feel a certain passion or prejudice about something that stops us from hearing the other. We might have difficulty allowing certain feelings, like intense sadness or anger."

It takes a lot of practice to be able to put all these things aside and to "step out of the I" and truly listen to what the other person is saying.  And it has been even harder in the last year or so, when we have been unable to meet people face to face, and so are unable to read their body language, catch the fleeting expressions on their faces, which are the non-verbal parts of real conversation.

But it is essential, if we are to have "real", deep, meaningful conversations. For the speaker, it is about being heard, held and deeply accepted. For the listener, it is about putting all the blocks aside and concentrating exclusively on the other, that deep listening might happen.

Such A Perfect Day

This morning, a friend of mine posted about the elements of her personal perfect day: "Being around like minded people where we just get each other; being inspired; walking in nature; yummy food (normally not my own); seeing my son happy; feeling that I may be making a small difference in the world."

Naturally, this made me reflect about what my perfect day might include ... I found myself very much in agreement with her. All the elements that would make up my perfect day seems to be linked together, which is why the symbol of the Celtic triquetra speaks to me so powerfully.

I too love to be around like-minded people, and feeling in tune with them, but also enjoy being in open and deep conversation with folk who have different views to mine. Which includes Unitarians (of course), and other people of all faiths and none.

I find many things inspiring - words, images, people. I count myself very blessed to be living in the early 21st century, when social media such as Facebook can bring such words and images into my home. Not to mention books, my beloved books ... it would not be a perfect day if I did not spend at least some of it curled up with a good book.

Being creative also makes me happy - whether it is writing, or colouring, or stitching. So creating something new and original would also have a part in my perfect day.

Walking in nature is always an important element of any day, and my perfect day would not be complete without it. I am so very lucky to live in a small village on the edge of Salcey Forest, so walking in nature is a simple matter of walking out of my own front door, and turning right. Last week we were in Wales on holiday and had the added joys of the sea and the mountains. Bliss.

Yummy food, especially when shared with those I love, is a special good in my life. As I write, it is the morning of Father's Day, and my daughter and my husband are sitting in the kitchen, preparing and talking about food. And like my friend, I am much happier (and more appreciative) when somebody else has prepared and cooked it!

Seeing the people I love happy is a key component of my own happiness. I cannot be truly happy if somebody I care about is miserable, for any reason. I just can't. I am finding that as I get older, my circle of compassion is widening, which makes me increasingly restless about other people's unhappiness.

Which is why feeling that I may be making a small difference in the world also has a role to play in my mythical perfect day. There is so much to do, and each one of us is so small and insignificant, but "Still I Am One".

Finally, at the end of the day, giving thanks for all these things, and for life in all its marvellous, messy, chaotic, imperfection, just being grateful for my life, joys and sorrows together, would make a perfect close.

What would your perfect day look like?