Well,
I did it! 15 months ago today, I stopped smoking. And one year ago tonight, I
had my last glass of wine.
 |
| My Choose Life tattoo - done to celebrate six months sober |
And
now that I've got here, how do I feel? Pretty meh, actually, which is a shame,
because it is a Fantastic Achievement. This time last year I was frightened
about how much control drink had over me - it was a strong daily habit that
took some courage and guts to break, and to keep on breaking. For a whole year,
in the face of many opportunities and provocations to start again. Not to mention downright encouragement from
well-meaning but misguided idiots, who say things like "Just one wouldn't
hurt" or "If you just have a drink today, you can go back to being
sober tomorrow."
No,
I can't, actually. It's exactly like
giving up smoking - you either do or you don't. For me, there is no pleasant
half-way-house of "the occasional glass at a weekend". I *know*
myself well enough to know that if I once started again, it would soon be back
up to between half and one bottle of red wine a night, just like the old days.
So
I'm going to stick to my resolution, and remain AF, and maintain my
self-respect. I've got through the crucial first year - First Christmas, First
Holiday, First GA Meetings, First Summer School, the kids leaving home, and
I've Done It. And that is something to be proud of, and to celebrate.
I
guess the reason why I don't feel much like celebrating is two-fold:
1)
the automatic way it occurs to me to celebrate in this drinking culture of ours
is *still* by having a drink. Not Good. In the past year, these are the times I
have found hardest - when there has been something to celebrate, and the
automatic reaction of all concerned has been "Let's drink to that"
(whatever it is). And I feel very left out and kill-joyish. Which I'm not. I'm
just someone who has had to take a different path. I've also found I get pretty
bored at social functions, when all around are getting slowly pissed, and loud
and happy with it, and I'm just sitting there. Not so bad if I have access to
my beloved Becks Blue AF lager, but dire otherwise.
2) Contrary to my expectations, I haven't lost any weight. Unlike friends who have travelled the same route as me, and lost shedloads of weight, my weight has remained the same. (I know fine well why - I replaced an addiction for red wine with an addiction for Cadbury's Dairy Milk). Not as dangerous, but not conducive to losing weight.
But I have NEVER regretted my decision to go AF, and am *exceedingly proud* to have made it through the first year, with a lot of help from fellow Soberistas. There is still the odd hard day, but they are few and far between, and I am never in any serious danger of caving in, and drinking again.
And that is my life. I'm sober, likely to stay that way, and enjoying every day of it.
