Real Conversation

 The French author, Albert Camus, wrote (something like) "Real conversation means stepping out of the I and knocking on the door of You."

Deep, empathic listening is a rare commodity these days. One of the first skills we were taught on the Encounter course in spiritual direction was how to be a good listener, and what gets in the way. There are many blocks to good listening. For example,  it is difficult if we are distracted by external noise or our bodies are uncomfortable. 

But the main blocks to listening come from our minds. Only too often, our minds are going 100 miles an hour while we are "listening" to someone. In the Encounter handout on good listening, Julie Dunstan lists the following blocks:

"Comparing what we hear with something or someone else, including our own experience. 

Mind reading – thinking we know what will be said. 

Judging or evaluating rather than listening with unconditional regard. 

Problem solving: because we think that is our task or because we are unable to stay with the tension of something unresolved. 

Advising 

Making Assumptions 

Being pre-occupied with other thoughts or concerns. 

Daydreaming – just letting our minds drift away. 

Offering Platitudes – often because we think we need to get someone to feel better. 

Derailing the conversation; not staying to the proper focus but going sideways."

She also suggests that the words of the person we are listening to might lead to feelings within ourselves, which also distract us from what is being said:

"Often what takes us away from another in our mind begins with feelings of fear or strong reactions in ourselves based on our own experience. We might be afraid of being overwhelmed by certain feelings. We might be confused about whose feelings are whose. We might feel a certain passion or prejudice about something that stops us from hearing the other. We might have difficulty allowing certain feelings, like intense sadness or anger."

It takes a lot of practice to be able to put all these things aside and to "step out of the I" and truly listen to what the other person is saying.  And it has been even harder in the last year or so, when we have been unable to meet people face to face, and so are unable to read their body language, catch the fleeting expressions on their faces, which are the non-verbal parts of real conversation.

But it is essential, if we are to have "real", deep, meaningful conversations. For the speaker, it is about being heard, held and deeply accepted. For the listener, it is about putting all the blocks aside and concentrating exclusively on the other, that deep listening might happen.