The Straight Path

 French novelist Andre Gide once wrote, "A straight path only ever leads to the goal." And I guess that could be true. Sometimes.

But, oh my! How boring life would be if we lived in straight lines. For the first nearly fifty years of my life, I was one of those people who worked tirelessly towards a goal and did not allow myself to deviate from it. And it led to all kinds of bad things - stress, and measuring my self-worth against whether I had managed to achieve the present goal (and, if I'm honest) whether other people noticed all my hard work and praised me. The praise of others was vitally important to my sense of self.

Then I was introduced to the Enneagram, back in 2010 and discovered that I was a Three, an Achiever. As I wrote in Gems for the Journey: 

"During the session, it became very clear that I was an almost archetypal 3, much though I hated to admit it. 3s are driven by their desire to succeed, so that others will approve of them. They believe that effort is all, and that people are rewarded for what they do. [I learned early on] that love and approval have to be earned, rather than being free, unmerited gifts. Understandably, with this mind-set, I have always striven to be the best Sue Woolley I can be, and have always been a hard worker, with lots of energy. 

    On the plus side, this has made me someone who is enthusiastic, good at leading others, very competent, with great organisational skills. I can inspire others to work and have good attention to detail. On the down side, I used to believe that I have to keep driving myself to achieve, because unless I can show others how well I'm doing, and can bask in their approval, I can't be happy. I will do almost anything to garner praise and approval. It has also made me intolerant of people who are disorganised, inefficient, unpunctual or indecisive."

Those words were written in 2015, when I was still wrestling with the down sides of my Threeness. Discovering that true friends like me "just the way I am" and that it is who I am, rather than what I do, that matters has been a meandering path, rather than a straight one. I have backslid often. But I can truly say that today, I am much happier in myself, with myself, and with others.

And that is because the spiritual path of the last decade, far from being a straight one that "only ever leads to the goal", had taken me in all sorts of unexpected directions, which have enriched my life no end. I think (I hope!) I have become more laid-back, more tolerant of the different ways of others, more willing to meet others where they are in a spirit of compassion, less achievement focussed. I have learned, in the words of the Quakers, to be "open to new light, from whatever source it may come." And I have finally understood that God loves me anyway, and that nothing I can do will destroy that love.

And that is so precious. I wish everyone a Happy, Peaceful and Meandering New Year.